Torrid
by LolliliciousLolly
Summary: After eight years since they last saw each other, an accidental meeting between the new Mrs. de Silva and Paul Slater turns into a fully fledged affair... [Sholly tagteam. Rated M for sexual content and more recently, violence.]
1. Chance

**Okay. Well. Here's Sharky and I.**

**This is a roleplay that WE'VE been doing. Honestly, you can tell Lolly like her roleplay, can't you? Tennis . . . Camp Happy Face . . . THIS . . .**

**Well, uh, this is something quite out of the ordinary. You know? The plot is whacked, we know that. We're just two little lust monkeys with no lives.**

**But that's not the point. The point is, this is some good hell-fluff. Meaning, it's goooood . . . but BAD. Sinful. Guilty pleasure, BAD! As the name suggests, and all . . .**

_**DISCLAIMED TO MEG CABOT – All characters that you recognize are hers, all plot references to the Mediator that you recognize are also hers, all gerbils/ferrets that you don't recognize have escaped from the pet store.**_

**READ AND REVIEW, LUST-BUNNIES. LONG REVIEWS ARE GOOOOOOOD. But yeah, after this chapter? Hahaha, it'll get a WHOLE lot better . . .**

**- 8 -**

Nothing much had changed since the last time I've been here. Still the same, good ole' New York. Central Park was still as pretty as I remembered. Especially on a nice sunny morning like today. A good day for a stroll.

It was nice seeing Grandma again. She and her over-packed schedule. I swear, people retire to sit at home and do nothing, but Grandma, no, it's just an excuse to go out and join all kinds of clubs and activities. Keep herself busy, she said. Well, I don't blame her. Who wants to sit at home doing nothing all day?

I sat down on one of the benches, sipping my coffee. Today I got a day free from meetings, so I intend to enjoy it. Kinda hard though, as I kept thinking about Jesse, who couldn't come because of his work in Carmel. It's the first time we've been apart since we got married last year but surprisingly it haven't been that tough being away from him.

I love him with all my heart. I just wished he would spend more time at home than at the hospital though.

It got a little hotter as the sun came up, and considering I hadn't gotten my breakfast yet, I decided to go to one of the cafes nearby. Leaving the park, I crossed the road and walked along the sidewalk until I reached a cafe/restaurant. It was owned by a small Italian family and the food was great. I went up to one of the booths and sat there, looking around.

There were only a few people there, and the atmosphere was quiet and cozy. I don't think many people know about the Capanelli's unless by chance they stumbled into this place. Usually all they have are regular costumers. I placed my order to the waitress who came to my table, then settled back in my seat.

I saw a paper detailing the dinner set they have here, and I picked it up, interested. Maybe I can have dinner here too. It's so much cheaper than hotel food, that's for sure, and the taste is almost the same.

**_That son of a bitch Alex Ormond was going to win the stupid case. I knew it, my client knew it, and Ormond knew it. _**

**_Fuck him. _**

**_So you can understand why I was pissed off. Not to mention, Rachel had left last week. She said I was 'distracted' and that she didn't think that we were going anywhere. _**

_**Fuck her, too.**_

_**Walking through Central Park is always good for one's mind. So I've heard, anyway. So I was trying it. It was better than being cooped up inside with my stupid client, George Palmer, who was screwed anyway. I couldn't win his case. He claimed that a ghost had killed his daughter, and NOT him. I wasn't going to be able to prove him innocent.**_

_**As good a lawyer as I am, I just wasn't about to reveal what I was, just to save HIS ass. Paul Slater doesn't work that way.**_

_**It was only ten o'clock, and I hadn't had breakfast. I'd been in at the office, doing the inevitable paperwork, and I'd gone home early. But nevertheless, I was hungry. And as I already mentioned, pissed off. Hey. If YOU knew how good Rachel was in the sack, YOU'D be pissed off too. **_

_**Because she was gone now, damn it.**_

**_Despite everything that I do, and all the money I make . . . it seems that my life is always on the verge of falling apart. Success is one thing. Being happy is another. Well, looks like we Slaters aren't cut out to be happy. _**

_**Burden I bear. **_

_**Moved on, now.**_

_**With my stomach grumbling in annoyance of being neglected, I stopped in at the first little cafe I could find. Capanelli's. It looked decent enough. I didn't really care. Usually I don't settle for anything but the best. **_

_**But I wasn't in the mood to be turning down any restaurants just because the food wasn't expensive enough for my liking.**_

_**I burst through the door, hearing the tinkle of the door. It wasn't very full. An old couple were at a table, eating like dogs with Alzheimer's or something. Some brunette was sitting with her back to me. A little kid, frighteningly similar to Jack when he was at that age, and his dad were eating pancakes. And that was pretty much it. Like I said. This place wasn't very full.**_

**_I shrugged a little, regretting my choice of shirt that morning. The blackness of my Lacoste shirt was making me feel too hot for comfort. I looked up, and saw that the place had air-conditioning. Good. There was a vent above the table where the brunette was sitting at. Hey. Maybe if I was lucky I could pick up the chick while I was at it._**

_**. . . Wow, Slater. You were just soooooooooo committed to Rachel, weren't you? I slipped directly into my suave-mode, and smirked as I saw the way her hair shone in the light from above her head. Then, I stepped up to her table behind her, and said in her ear, 'Is this seat taken?'**_

**_Not the most original line, but hey, I didn't want to MARRY her or anything. Just wanted a little . . . temporary satisfaction, is all. Solace, you could call it._**

I jumped at the sound of someone's voice in my ear. It's not like I was paying attention to my surrounding, considering that I was reading the dinner's menu. My heart thumping, I turned around to snap at the person and tell them to stop sneaking up on people when I saw who it was.

In my surprise, I hadn't realized that the voice was very, very familiar.

Oh my God. No way.

_**. . . Holy crap.**_

_**'Suze?' I said in shock.**_

'Paul?' I breathed in horror.

**_'Well, what do you know,' I said, a huge grin overtaking my face. Whether she liked it or not, I occupied the seat opposite her in her booth. 'Fancy seeing _you_ here.'_**

_**I stubbornly ignored the way my heart picked up the pace at the sight of her emerald green eyes, or the way her lips were parted in shock, or the smoothness of her skin, or the way her hair framed her face.**_

I stared at him. What was he doing here? In my hometown? God.

_**. . . She was beautiful. No, I mean, really. I see a LOT of gorgeous women. Believe me, I do. But Suze . . . now . . . she took the cake. And she'd . . . grown, too. If you know what I mean.**_

_**'Well?' I raised my eyebrows, 'No hello?'**_

He was smirking. So like the Paul I remember.

'Hello. What the heck are you doing here?'

_**I don't know why, but I couldn't stop smirking. Maybe it was because of what my plans had been for her, before I'd actually KNOWN it was her.**_

_**Maybe it was because I'd rendered her momentarily speechless before.**_

_**Maybe it was because she'd obviously gone up a bra size.**_

_**Or two.**_

He was looking me up and down. So what else can Paul Slater do? I didn't like it. Especially when I saw that his eyes were as blue as ever, and it brought back all those unwanted memories.

_**Well, I tell you what, the smirk was wiped off when I saw her finger.**_

_**Ring.**_

_**DAMN IT.**_

_**'What the heck am I doing here?' I repeated her question, 'I'm here for food, Suze.'**_

I saw his eyes moved to my hand, and he stopped smiling. Puzzled, I looked down too, and saw my wedding ring. Aha.

_**And trying to pick up a chick. Well, I was, till I saw it was you. I still can, if you don't have any problems with that.**_

'Well . . . good. So am I,' I said, smiling a little. Obviously Paul knew he couldn't do anything, since I'm a married woman.

_**A waitress came and gave Suze a cup of something. She gave me a questioning look. I tossed my head, and then quickly looked at the breakfast menu. 'Brucetta,' I said, 'And a coffee. Black, no sugar.' She nodded silently, and left.**_

_**'So,' I leant back in my seat. 'How've you been, then? What's it been, like . . . eight years?'**_

'Something like that. I've been working in an advertising company in Carmel, ' I replied. 'What about you?'

_**'Lawyer,' I muttered, leaning my elbows on the table, not being able to take my eyes off of her. You had no idea how stunning she looked . . . and she wasn't even dressed up, or whatever. Just a black turtleneck and jeans. But her hair looked so soft . . . I just wanted to feel it between my fingers . . . She's married, Slater. Lay off.**_

Why am I not surprised..' I muttered, taking a drink from my latte. Of course he's a lawyer. Isn't that what he said he wanted to be even when we were in high school? I bet he's filthy rich too. Just like he wanted.

_**I smirked again, but this time not so much in smugness. The waitress came back with a plate of my bruchetta, and a cup of dark coffee. I nodded politely at her, and she left me a receipt. I sipped at the coffee, my eyes still on Suze. 'How's Rico going, then?' I asked. Not that I give a shit.**_

I hesitated a moment before answering. I was pretty sure that he was asking just to be polite. 'He's fine. He's a doctor, working in Valley Hospital in Carmel,' I said.

_**'That's nice,' I said carelessly. 'What are you doing in New York, then?'**_

Not that any of it was his business, but . . . 'I have some meetings with a new client.'

_**I used my knife and fork to dissect my brucetta into pieces, before elegantly eating them, still giving her a lazy smirk. 'Oh right,' I said. 'How long are you staying?'**_

_**It was infuriating. I wanted to know about her . . . she didn't care less about me.**_

I narrowed my eyes at him. 'I think you've asked enough questions, Paul. Let me ask you. Why are _you_ in New York? I thought Seattle was nice enough.'

_**I raised my eyebrows at her, and laughed a little. 'I work here, Simon,' I said in humour. 'Oh, I mean . . . de Silva now, I guess. My my, how am I going to tell the two of you apart?' I shook my head solemnly, slipping another bit of brucetta into my mouth.**_

_**Oh yeah. One of them has breasts.**_

_**. . . Gorgeous ones at that.**_

_**She sipped her coffee, looking like she just wanted to finish it and get the hell out of here. I snaked my hand across the table, and plucked up her receipt. 'On me,' I said.**_

_**Wow. All of three dollars, Slater. She'll be soooooooooooo grateful.**_

I snatched back the receipt. 'I can pay for my own food, thanks,' I snapped. I was wrong. I thought he'd gotten over the whole Jesse thing but apparently not, since he still chose to make petty comments about us.

_**I smiled, and went to grab it back, but only resulted in my hand landing over hers. Which was a pretty okay second. 'How is . . . ' I lowered my tone, 'The shifting going?'**_

_**What? It was just TOO lucky for to her be here, for me to just let her GO. I'm a coincidence kinda guy. But this was TOO MUCH of one to ignore.**_

_**I, of course, followed her. 'So, advertising. That must be interesting. How's that going for you?'**_

_**I expected her for more of the charity-work type of person. You know, letting people walk all over her and work her for everything she had. I guess I'd overestimated her kindness. Thank the frigging Lord.**_

I gritted my teeth, telling myself to count to ten. That never worked of course, but it was the only thing I could think of right now. 'Yes, it is,' I said flatly, walking fast. I don't even know where the hell am I going. I think I might as well walked into my temporary office building. Don't they have security there or something?

_**She walked as fast as she could in any direction, really. She ended up taking the pair of us to some parking lot. 'God, the hospitality is astounding,' I rolled my eyes. 'What's your problem, Suze?'**_

I spun around, my hair whipping my face. 'What MY problem? What's YOUR problem? I mean, following me around? We're not kids, Paul. Leave me alone.'

_**'I'm just trying to make conversation with a friend I haven't seen in eight years,' I replied, with a little less sophistication this time.**_

_**There didn't seem to be anyone in this parking lot. Only about two cars, too.**_

'Yeah, right. You stalk every long-lost friend you met?' Where the hell are we? Some parking lot in a freaking basement. Talk about creepy. I looked to my left and saw a lift to go up the building, and headed there.

_**I stopped, and groaned. God, this girl had issues. Hot as hell, but issues all the same. 'Suze,' I called after her, watching her walk away. This'd probably be the last I'd see of her. And as much as every guy wants to see an ass like that, I didn't want to see the back of her just yet. Well, not in THIS circumstance, anyway.**_

I didn't feel him following me anymore, and smiled in satisfaction. I reached the lift, and stabbed at the button.

_**God. Try to make some conversation - and attempt to get laid - and get blown off like THAT. Why did I even bother? I mean, she was obviously j - 'SUZE!' I yelled suddenly, but not quickly enough to alert her of the ghost who slammed her against the elevator door. **_

_**She fell to the ground, as the ghost quickly looked around at me, before yelling, and causing a bunch of stacked up crates to go flying in my general direction. See? THIS is why you just DON'T HELP THE DEAD.**_

Ow. Wha - GOD, THAT HURTS.

_**Pissed off, I materialized so I was right behind him. I grabbed him around the stomach . . . shifted . . . left him for dead - pun intended - in the Shadowland, and shifted back. Instantly, a headache set in. It wasn't as bad as my first ever one had been. I was used to the headaches by now. Suze was trying to sit up, wincing as she did so.**_

_**'Hey, careful,' I said, moving over to her, tenderly sliding my arms beneath hers, and guiding her to a standing position. She'd hit her head on the door. Damned ghost . . . beats me why the hell she seems obligated to help them when they go around doing stuff like THAT to her.**_

My head was throbbing. What have I done to deserve such attack? I tried not to groan painfully as Paul helped me stand. I could barely lift my head, and everything was spinning.

'What was that?' I managed to say after a few minutes and my head didn't feel like it was split apart anymore.

_**'The thing that makes us so special,' I said sarcastically. I helped her sit down on one of the crates, and then sat on one myself, checking her head. Bleeding. Ugh, typical.**_

'That was a ghost? Why did it attacked us? We didn't do anything,' I said, looking at him. Then I saw that he was bleeding. 'Hey, are you okay?'

_**'I'm fine,' I muttered. 'Come on, stand up - ' She couldn't. I mean, she could, but . . . well, I doubt she fell face-first into my chest because of her sexual attraction to me. I mean, maybe she did. But that's wishful thinking. I caught her before she slipped. 'Dizzy?' I asked.**_

That was embarrassing. Falling into him, I mean. 'Yeah, a little. Can I sit down here for a while?' I sat down without waiting for him to say anything, my face burned despite my dizziness. I'll just ignore the fact that his body felt muscular and nice when I grabbed it. UNINTENTIONALLY, of course.

_**I smiled down at her, my hands missing the feeling of her beneath them. I shifted her hair back a little, checking the injury on her head. Just as I thought. Soft as silk between my fingers . . . as for the injury, well, that was pretty bad.**_

I pulled my head away from his hand, feeling all hot and bothered again. What was it with me? Why was I feeling like this? I looked down to my hands, and focused my eyes on my wedding ring. Think of Jesse. Think of your husband, Suze.

_**I sat down on the crate again. 'You really should get that looked at,' I nodded at her head. 'You'll be falling all over the place, if you don't. Don't stand up,' I said to her, as she went to get to her feet, 'Or you'll get dizzy again.'**_

'Then how am I supposed to get it looked at?' I said stubbornly, slowly trying to stand up again. The dizziness has lessen a little bit but I still had a major headache. I hoped I didn't have a concussion. Just my luck, isn't it?

_**I just smirked. Sorry, but . . . this was too perfect. 'Bear with me,' I said to her, and then placed my hands on her shoulders. Just as she arranged her expression into one of confusion, I dematerialized the pair of us to . . . . . . Well, my place. Only for first aid purposes, though. I mean . . . she was MARRIED. I'm not that low.**_

What happened? One moment we were in the lot, the next we were standing in someone's living room. Then I realized that Paul must have shifted us somewhere else. I jumped away from him, looking around in a panicked way.

'Where are we?' I asked him, feeling scared all of a sudden.

Seeing his comfortable look, my guess would be that we were at his house. This was so not good.

_**'Relax,' I said. 'Just sit down there - don't stand up.' I went to my room, and got the first aid kit from my bathroom. I did pretty well for myself. Penthouse apartment and everything. I guess that materialization had freaked little Miss de Silva out a little. She was sitting down when I got back to her, looking on-edge, and wide-eyed.**_

_**As I walked back to the couch she was on, I quickly kicked one of Rachel's bras that she'd left out of view.**_

_**I gave her an encouraging smile. 'Lie back,' I said. A bit of the blood was running down her forehead.**_

_**She looked quite reluctant to do so.**_

_**God. We weren't teenagers anymore. **_

Lie back. Yeah right. But as he looked at me boredly, I felt dumb. It's not like he was going to try anything. He was nice enough to try and fix my head wound.

The least I could do was be grateful. So I laid back down on the couch, putting on a calm face even though inside I was anything but calm.

_**'Thank you,' I rolled my eyes. Then, I began carefully cleaning up where her head was cut on her hairline. Finally, I applied a two bandaids over the offending area. Her eyes were closed, and her lips were pursed.**_

_**My fingers, that were hovering above the recently attached bandaids, started getting curious as to how soft her skin was. They slid down her face a little, scraping ever-so-gently across her cheek. I saw her breathe in sharply.**_

_**Wow. **_

_**Guess Jesse-Land mustn't be perfect after all . . .**_

** - 8 - **

**Review! **


	2. Passion

**Chapter Two  
I need to poo  
In Suze's shoe  
Oh, boo hoo.**

**. . . Uh, yeeeeeeeeeah . . .**

**So. We were fast, weren't we? **

**Teehee . . . Enjoy!**

**And Aina would like to make an apology to the JFC for her vicious betrayal, and state that this was ALL Lolly's idea and that she was peer pressured and bullied and intimidated by said evil hag.**

_**Love us.**_

**- 8 -**

I opened my eyes to see Paul's face hovering over mine.

Feeling really uncomfortable, I turned away, starting to sit up. His hand was still on my face, and I lifted one of my hands to move his away, but he grabbed my hand instead. I stared at his hand on mine dumbly, unable to think.

_**And then, I could do nothing but stare into those eyes . . . **_

_**They were transfixing. **_

_**They made all of time just stop, making me lose myself in a swirl of hypnotism. **_

_**She's married, Slater. Don't . . . **_

_**. . . Who cared?**_

**_I was more than used to stepping over the boundaries of what was allowed, taking advantage of every single situation I could, until everything was to my liking. I was used to holding everyone and everything in my power, getting what I wanted, squeezing the life out of a circumstance, and doing everything to win. That was what I loved about being a lawyer. It was all about lying . . . convincing . . . tricking the jury into believing what you want them to believe . . . and then winning the case._**

_**And here was Suze. So . . .forbidden. More distant from my greedy hands than she could have ever been. She belonged to Jesse. She was his. She could not be anyone else's. . . . Unless they lied, convinced, and tricked her. Which I am so good at doing . . . **_

**_In that moment of memorization, all I saw was her. _**

_**All I wanted was her. **_

_**All I felt was her. **_

_**The one thing that I could SO not have. . . . The one thing that I wanted. **_

_**And the one thing I was going to get.**_

My mouth felt dry. His eyes were piercing into mine, and it was all I could do to pull myself away from him. But I was frozen, transfixed. His lips looked so soft, inviting. It had been so long since I feel a man's touch. And someone like Paul . . . he was the type of man who seems to know what he wants. And he was looking at me like I was the thing he wanted right now.

Not that any of that mattered . . . I was . . . I – I wasn't available, so there.

_**I brushed my thumb across her lips, relishing the shiver that overwhelmed her body. **_

_**She closed her eyes, and went to turn her face away, but - I kissed her. **_

_**I wanted to. **_

_**So I did.**_

_**I kissed Suze. . . . Mrs de Silva.**_

I knew it was coming...even from the first moment we saw each other again. The tension was always there. Yet when he kissed me, it was something else. I have resisted against him and yet I didn't. I just let him kiss me.

And I wanted to kiss him back.

_**She'd obviously forgotten that little thing that was on her finger. Her wedding ring, that is. **_

_**There was passion in her response that shocked me. I was prepared to take what I wanted, and get slapped afterwards. But reciprocation . . . I didn't dream that that was on the cards . . . until I felt her kissing me back . . . like THAT. **_

_**Wow. **_

_**Must have been a while since Jesse last fucked her, huh.**_

And I kissed him back with such force that it surprised me even more than it surprised him. I knew it was wrong, and yet my physical self was telling me that I was right. That I wanted it, perhaps as much as he wanted it.

God, what was I _doing_?

**_That was when she started resisting. _**

_**I knew it was coming. I mean, I hadn't expected her to even kiss back. She wasn't mine to kiss, after all. But now that she had . . . I knew that there was willingness there . . . **_

_**And since I knew it existed . . . I wasn't going to let her go, now.**_

_**So as she tried to get me off of her, I forced her back down with gluttonous hands that wanted all they could get of her. I flashed her a dark smile, pressing my lips against hers once more. She broke in her struggling, accidentally kissed back, and then tried even harder to get me away from her. **_

_**Not a chance, babe.**_

I struggled, but he pushed me down. I guess me kissing him back encouraged him.

Same old story.

When will I ever learn?

Thinking back to my tried-and-true method, I tried to raise my hand to poke his eye, but he held my hands down. His weight was crushing me, and his kisses were pressing me down harder.

Right now, fighting him was useless because the harder I fought, the stronger his grip got.

_**The harder she fought, the more I knew she wanted this. **_

_**There was PASSION there. Passion that her precious JESSE didn't seem to be noticing all that much. Sure, de Silva. Marry the girl. You're supposed to look AFTER her, you bastard. **_

**_And there he was, obviously not touching her like she wanted – _NEEDED_ to be touched._**

Guilt was bearing down on me. Some kind of a wife I was, kissing another man when her husband's across the country working.

I felt so cheap.

Push him off. PUSH HIM OFF.

'Paul – ' I yelled in fury, and panic, 'Get off – '

_**Again, she tried shoving me away. She put up a hell of a fight, too. But I wasn't having it. There was not a chance in hell that I'd stop now. Not when I knew what I did. How badly she NEEDED this. **_

**_She looked like she was about to _cry_, she was panicking that much. She was scared. Scared of betraying someone who probably showed no sign of even WANTING her._**

He was strong, damn it. All my pushing and shoving didn't amount to much. But I managed to turned my head aside and growled, 'Get off me!'

I swear if he didn't, I was going to cry.

_**. . . I just went straight for her neck. I heard her cry out, as if in pain. I knew that it was pain that I was triggering, but it was nothing physical. I wasn't being gentle, sure. She didn't WANT it gentle. But I was pretty sure her pain was psychological. **_

_**You know. Conscience.**_

_**I kept touching her. My fingers roamed up her sides, whenever she wasn't thrashing around for me to get off. Her gasps fueled my fire, turning me on even more than the forbiddeness of it all. **_

_**The skin of her neck was pure sin. **_

_**I loved the taste. **_

_**So addictive.**_

_**It was wrong, and immoral, and not allowed . . . and I wanted more of it . . .**_

I felt his hands all over my body. They were rough and urgent, like he was looking for something. Like we were on borrowed time. Jesse was never like that with me.

Jesse was always gentle and sweet. Always taking his time.

**_With my arms around her possessively, I materialized the pair of us only a small distance away. _**

_**My bedroom. **_

_**Well, if she didn't freak out before, she SURE did then.**_

Okay, THIS was cheating. I am officially panicking now.

**_'Suze,' I soothed me, kissing her neck more furiously then before, 'Shhhh . . . ' That made her more hysterical. She was begging me to stop. Pleading with me. Offering me that power that I loved so much . . . _**

_**I could have stopped. I swear, I would have. I mean, I am aware that anything unconsential is wrong. **_

**_But while her voice was saying no, everything else was screaming yes._**

'Stop it. Paul, please, this isn't – I'm not joking, if you don't – if you – I'll – Paul? Please, no –' I was crying. I didn't know what else to do to make him stop. He just ignored me, and kept on kissing my neck like I was the first woman he'd been with in a long time.

Which I _doubt_ was true.

It was my fault. I had kissed him back. I had lead him on. My fault.

**_I slid hands down her arms. Her skin felt like hell's fire on my fingers. Deliciously so. I continued down to the edge of her turtleneck sweater. I hooked my thumbs beneath it, sliding it up, not as slowly as I should have, probably._**

_**Patience has never been a strong point of mine.**_

My fault.

And yet as I was telling myself that, I found myself responding to his touch.

I resisted.

Then I felt his mouth on my jaw line, and his hand on my stomach, and I didn't want to resist. Because they felt good. It was like Jekyll and Hyde inside of me. A part that wanted it, and another that didn't.

Hyde was winning.

**_Her sweater was off in no time. The absence of it was heaven. I slid one hand beneath her back, my world searing in my desire to keep touching her. I kissed her hard, stopping her crying as she returned my favour. She was denying it, but she felt it._**

_**All it seemed I wanted to do was make her feel the pleasure that she seemed to stubborn to ignore. Her pleasure was my deep satisfaction. **_

**_That was what I aimed for. _**

_**Reactions of intense pleasure. **_

_**And I got them. **_

My hands weren't shoving him away anymore. Instead, they were straying around his body, taking in every curve and every exposed flesh.

Still it wasn't enough.

I tugged at his shirt, wanting them off. A small voice told me to stop. Stop before we cross the forbidden line. But I ignored the voice.

_**Very gasp, every pant, every moan, thrilled along my every nerve. I had Susannah Simon beneath me. **_

_**Not Susannah de Silva. **_

_**She'd NEVER be that to me. **_

_**This was my Suze. The one I'd wanted for myself so long ago. The one she'd denied me. I had her now. . . .**_

**_And I'd have her the way I'd wanted her since I was seventeen._**

He was kissing me again. And this time, I kiss him back with no hesitation.

_**She was letting herself drown in the pleasure . . . **_

**Finally**

_**My knee jammed between her legs, making her fingers dig deeply into my shoulders in her efforts to remain silent and not grant me with the reaction I wanted to hear. I pressed my knee harder into her. **_

_**So forbidden . . . it was thrilling . . . **_

This was . . . too much. My body was hot, and my heart was thudding like crazy.

How COULD Paul make me FEEL this way?

With just a _kiss_, he made me want more . . . and more. Kisses that were spells and which I had fallen under. I didn't know where this was heading. But wherever it was, it was not somewhere innocent.

_**Her leg curled around the back of mine, and she turned her face away from mine, leaving her neck exposed again. Something almost vampiric made me kiss her throat with such passion, such seduction, that I was rewarded with her hands coming to my shoulder and my hair, gripping me against her, not wanting me to stop. Thank you, God . . . **_

_**I relished how she trembled when my lips touched her skin. It felt amazing to know that I had control over her. The control that I'd wanted to have over her for such a long time.**_

I was gasping for more of him . . . and it sounded alien to my ears. Such painful desire had woken inside me and I didn't know how to handle it.

But Paul sure did, if his hands that were gripping my waist were any indication.

Don't stop.

_**De Silva wasn't here to show her the passion she needed. **_

_**I was. **_

**_. . . And I did._**

- 8 -

_**For a long, long time, I've always wondered what it was that made me so attracted to this girl. I mean, she was just a girl, right? **_

_**What was the big mystery? **_

_**Why did I want her so badly? **_

_**Why did she make my life feel like it would crumble to pieces without her? **_

_**What was it about her that made her so God damned beautiful? **_

_**Why couldn't she be just a girl?**_

**_Well, if I had have anticipated this . . . if I had have KNOWN that this would happen . . . all those questions would have been answered. _**

_**The big mystery? **_

_**I wanted her because I couldn't have her. **_

_**Someone else had her. Now that I DID have her . . . I wanted to keep her for myself. I wanted even more of her. She had nothing else to offer me. But I wanted more.**_

**_She was in my arms. She was shivering. She wasn't cold. But I think she was as scared as hell. After all . . . I'd just made a married woman cheat on her husband. Why did it bring such glee to me? I knew she wasn't asleep, even if she was pretending to be. Her hair felt like the softest silk that fingers could possibly relish. Her skin was smooth, warm, and tantalizingly sensitive to my touch._**

Oh my God . . . oh my GOD, oh God, oh God . . .

WHAT HAD I _DONE_?

. . . You cheated on your _husband_, that's what you've done, Suze.

_Oh my God. _

There I was, lying on a bed that was NOT mine, with a man that was NOT Jesse. I was the worst wife anyone could ever have. What if Jesse found out? I couldn't think about it. I couldn't – couldn't BELIEVE I'd . . . no way. This wasn't . . . happening . . . I didn't – I LOVED Jesse, how could – what if he - ?

The possibilities all scared me.

As did the numbed incoherency of my thoughts.

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I didn't know if Paul was awake or not, but I wasn't taking my chances. I couldn't look at him. Not right now. Not after what we had just done.

_**I breathed in the intoxicating scent of her hair. Not being able to help myself, I trailed a finger down her spine, only to realize that she WAS awake, if the way she suddenly drew in a breath was indication enough. **_

_**I smirked, closing my eyes.**_

_**I don't think any man has ever been this satisfied with himself. Not like I was then. I felt like I'd won everything.**_

Damn. He was awake. And now he knew I was too.

I was so damn scared. Of what would happen if Jesse found out. What he'd say, the look on his face, his shock, his anger, his betrayal, his disgust . . .

I was on the pill and everything. After all, I'd only been married to him for a short time, and he didn't want kids yet. So yeah, I was on the pill. Yay. I didn't even know why anymore. It wasn't like Jesse DID anything these days that would require said medication.

It'd been forever since we'd . . . yeah.

No, seriously. Twice, since our marriage a year and a half ago.

TWICE.

Two nights, out of well over _four hundred_.

He was always too _busy_. Too _tired_. Night shifts at the hospital, and what not.

I hated it . . .

_**The intimacy I shared with her was a truly perfect thing. **_

_**Perfect for me, anyway. **_

_**I doubt it was so wonderful for her. **_

**_I leant back from her, after long last, and looked down into her reluctant eyes. She was terrified. I could feel her shaking, her bare skin on mine. I'd conquered something in her that rendered her temporarily powerless, speechless, and, uh . . . well, naked. _**

_**GOD, what a great view.**_

I didn't know what to do. This was beyond anything I ever thought I would do. I felt like crying. But I wasn't going to look weak in front of him. After all, it was mutual. What we did. I wanted to say something, but nothing came to mind. Again, I felt like leaving. Like running away and never seeing him again.

But I was afraid that if I did that, the first thing he would do was fly to Carmel and tell Jesse everything. Something like that I can imagine Paul doing. I need to make sure that he wouldn't.

_**Her eyes tried to tell me things that she didn't have the courage to say out loud. I refused to read her eyes. The comprehensions would be too depressing for my liking. . . . **_

**_I knew she liked that. The sex, I mean. I could tell. It was obvious, in everything she'd done. Every breath, every movement, every scream. She'd loved me inside her. She'd loved it. But she'd hated it, too, because she knew she was meant to._**

_**She was still shivering. Still scared. Still stunned at what she'd just done. **_

_**With me.**_

_**I closed my eyes and breathed across her cheek. I just wanted to keep touching her, like she was my lifeline between the living and the dead.**_

Did he even loved me? Or had I just given my body to a guy who just wanted to get laid? I didn't know which was worse though. Knowing that he didn't love me, or that he did.

Either way, I was in a terrible predicament. I started to sit up, thinking there was no way I could stay there another second. My guilt was killing me.

**_I pulled her back down, into me. Her arms felt delicate. Breakable. I didn't say anything. I just held her still. _**

_**She couldn't leave. **_

_**Not yet. **_

**_Not when I was basking in the glory of finally claiming my Suze _Simon**

Lying there in his arms felt good. But kissing him felt good too, and look where _that_ lead me to?

I couldn't think of anything about him as good, because they're wrong. Even sleeping with him. However good he made me feel, it was wrong.

And it was a mistake.

He needed to know that.

'Paul,' I said. There was a shakiness to my voice that I hated.

_**'Don't,' I muttered down at her. After all of these years, all I wanted her to do was shut up while I held onto her. I loved the feel of her against me. It was amazing.**_

I sat up, pulling the covers with me. I looked down on him lying there, eyeing me with wary eyes. 'We have to talk.'

_**I rolled my eyes. 'No we don't,' I said shortly.**_

_**Talking lead to hesitations. Then regret. Then departure.**_

**_Then no more sex with Suze, for Paul._**

_**And that would be a BIG shame. I mean . . . she was so passionate. In everything she did. It was no wonder that she was – **_

_**. . . You don't need to know that.**_

_**She turned her head away, and sighed. Her back was sexy. Just so smooth, and beautiful. Her hair was falling down her shoulders messily. Which was to be expected.**_

_**It had been against my pillow for a while. Her hair, I mean.**_

Of course he didn't want to talk. Because he knew what I was going to say. 'This was a mistake,' I said, not looking at him but at the bed sheets. They were blue. Reminding me of his eyes.

**_God. I knew _that_ was coming. _**

**_That was when, with the sheets around my lower half, I took her unaware. I sat up too, pushed her back, and then rolled on top her, pressing her down against my mattress. She looked up at me with WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING? eyes, to which I responded with my steadiest exactly-what-I-want gaze._**

**_Then, I retrieved her hand, brought it to my lips, slid her ring finger into my mouth, and with my teeth, I gently edged off her ring._**

_**That made her shake more, probably in realization of exactly what she'd done.**_

_**Don't go . . . **_

What was he doing? I just stared, numb, as he slid off my wedding ring from my finger. Using his mouth. And I was sorry to say that that one action actually _turned me on_. He took the ring from his mouth and looked at it in amusement. Like it was something that meant nothing to him.

Well, I guess it did.

'_Give it back_,' I whispered acidly.

GOD, give it back.

_**I smirked at her. 'Make me,' I hissed down at her.**_

I grabbed at his hand, but he put the ring into his mouth. I stared at him in shock.

**_I smiled down at her astonishment. And then, I kissed her again. Which was a pretty cruel thing to do. Have the evidence of her marriage to another man, in my mouth, and making her kiss me to get it back._**

What else can you expect from Paul? That jerk was making me do things his way.

He kissed me, so I kissed him back.

Only with the intention to get my ring back.

Because how the hell was I supposed to explain to Jesse that I lost my wedding ring?

Even worse, if Paul had it with him all along?

I felt his tongue, and the ring fell into my mouth. Quickly, I pulled away from him and shut my lips.

_**I smirked down at her again, tracing illogical patters across her arms. **_

_**I loved how she shivered. **_

_**'See? Why should we talk . . . when we can do this?'**_

_**I kissed her neck, slowly first, and then building up to more intensity.**_

I couldn't talk. Not when the ring was in my mouth and I didn't want to choke to death. But the silence only encouraged him. I lifted my right hand and took out the ring from my mouth. Seeing it made me feel guilty all over again. I pushed against Paul. He could not have me again.

**_I tried getting to quiet again, but the ring thing had really stirred her up. I guess that had been too risky of me. I'd pulled back her memories of how she was bound in holy matrimony. To someone who _wasn't_ the guy she'd just screwed. _**

_**She looked panicky again.**_

He seemed to hesitate. I took advantage of that and said, 'This shouldn't have happened. It was wrong.'

He was still on top of me, apparently not hearing what I just said. Or he just decided to ignore it.

**_'Of course it's wrong,' I whispered at her, lowering myself back so I was . . . well, yeah. Her mouth opened in silence, and her eyes closed, and her shaking got worse. 'But you loved it, Suze. Don't tell me that that wasn't the best thing you've ever experienced.'_**

_**She looked like she was about to lie, so I cut her off. **_

_**'No,' I said, 'I won't let you answer that. You're not going to admit it. But you feel it, Suze. You don't belong with him. You weren't born to marry a guy like that. He doesn't deserve you. And he won't satisfy you.'**_

'He satisfies me!' I spat, focusing my eyes on his face. It was bad enough what I did, but I couldn't let him say anything bad about Jesse.

Jesse wasn't the problem.

I was.

_**I gave her a wry smile. **_

**_'Then why did you _enjoy_ that so much?'_**


	3. Guilt

Sharky and I are back for our third chapter of our guilty pleasure. Hehehe . . .

Aina, I'm VERY sorry for saying that Jesse and Suze had only done it twice.

(Aina didn't originally say that, you see. I did a little . . . editing.)

Love Lolly.

- 8 -

I stammered, 'It- I- It was in the moment . . .I was caught up in the moment.' Yeah, that's all it was.

_**I glared down at her, pushing myself deeper against her. A strangled moan half-escaped her throat, and she turned her head away furiously. **_

_**Feel it . . . **_

I couldn't say anything. I was momentarily lost . . .in places I didn't know.

RESIST HIM. Push him away.

_**Something deep and guttural developed in the back of my throat, and I let out the more pleasured of growls. She couldn't deny THIS.**_

I wanted him to stop. But I didn't know how to make him stop. I was too far gone.

_**It was late, now. I knew that. We'd fallen asleep before. Well, at least I had. The only evidence I knew she hadn't been awake the whole time, was that she was still here. I man, she would have snuck out if she knew that I was out. **_

_**When I say we feel asleep, that was NOT to say that things were uneventful.**_

_**Ha. **_

_**Hardly.**_

_**There was no light in my room, now. Suze was still warm in my arms. Still shivering. God, would she STOP that already?**_

This had to end. Right now. Yet . . .I had never felt as good as I did with him in a long time . . . What was I saying? I'm married for God's sake! Stop entertaining these thoughts!

_**And then, she said she had to leave. I didn't stop her. I watched her as she crawled, naked, from my bed, disappearing below my line of vision for her clothes, and re-emerging, half-dressed. I would have kept her here, if I hadn't have known just one thing.**_

_**. . . That she'd be back. **_

_**She'd tasted the fruit now. She'd come back for more. I knew it, and she knew it.**_

I was surprised he didn't stop me. But I didn't stop to think why. I just grabbed my clothes and put them on, feeling his eyes on me. I wonder if he knew that this was the last time I'll ever see him. Because I had no intention in even staying in NY after this.

No way.

I have to go back.

I owe that much to Jesse.

That's what I tell myself anyway.

- 8 -

I reached my hotel room, physically and mentally exhausted. Not because of what happened earlier with Paul, I mean, I'm sure it was not, I was tired because I had to walk a few blocks from his place before finally got a cab.

I tossed my purse on the table, but it slid and drop off. I watched it lie on the floor, too tired to pick it up. What time was it? It must have been at least 2 am.

Staggering to the bedroom, I took off my clothes again, feeling ashamed all of a sudden but not acknowledging it.

I laid on the bed, pulled the quilt up to my chin and tried to sleep.

_**. . . Whoa.**_

_**About thirty minutes after she was gone . . . I realized what I had just done.**_

_**And WHO.**_

_**And God, it felt good.**_

_**All of a sudden, the pride and the satisfaction rushed in on me. Like an upsurge. A drug. A high. I'd just done something I'd wanted to do for almost ten years. **_

Why the hell can't I sleep?

I sat up abruptly. There were distant sounds of a music somewhere, maybe from a room a few doors down, but that wasn't the reason why I was awake.

It was guilt. Oh, yeah, Suze. GUILT.

_**I felt great.**_

_**No, really. I felt . . . relaxed, I felt . . . actually HAPPY, I felt . . . really good. Really REALLY good.**_

_**I was still in my bed. I tossed my arms behind my head, grinning into darkness.**_

_**I could still smell her. Her scent, it was all over my sheets. It smelt good. It lingered, like a devilishly sinful taste of a forbidden memory.**_

_**Wonder how SHE felt at the moment. Something made me reckon that she wasn't feeling relaxed, or happy, or really good.**_

_**I bet she felt guilty, now.**_

_**Adulteress that she was.**_

_**The guilt was probably eating away at her, slowly, gnawing her morals, killing her silently, tearing strips from her.**_

_**I did that.**_

_**. . . It was her own fault.**_

_**No. No, it was de Silva's fault. It was his fault that his wife, obviously not satisfied with him, had gone hunting for a decent lay.**_

_**Not that she had . . . you know. But once we'd hit that stage, both of us knew there was no going back.**_

_**She wanted it as badly as I did.**_

I could smell traces of his cologne in my hair. Aaak. Tossing away the sheets, I got up and rushed to the bathroom.

Turning the shower knob to as hot as I could handle, I let the water ran over me. I didn't even care that I was still wearing my undergarments. All I wanted was to be clean. Clean from him and whatever else that reminded me of him.

If only I could clean my mind the way I easily cleaned my body.

About half an hour later, I turned off the shower and took off the rest of my clothes. Then wrapping myself with a towel, I walked over to the wardrobe and put on a pair of boxers and a large T-shirt.

Comfort clothes. Love it.

Attempt to sleep. Round two.

_**I closed my eyes, knowing perfectly well.**_

_**That was not the last I'd see of Susannah Simon. MY Suze. Not Jesse's Mrs de Silva. That had been MY Suze.**_

_**I fell asleep quickly, as images of staring down at her eyes clouded my consciousness.**_

_**Those green eyes . . . **_

. . . There's not gonna be any sleep for Suze de Silva tonight, that's for sure. Because all I could think about was what I had done and how it would kill me if Jesse knew. How it would kill him. All over again.

Why did I do it?

And I why did I still wanted it? It was wrong. So wrong.

I lay on the bed and watched the lights from the traffic reflected on the ceiling. Morning should come soon, and it will be a new day. I hope it will be better.

Better my ass.

If tomorrow I continued to feel like I did then, I might as well not leave that room to go to work. How could I concentrate on anything if all I felt was guilt?

Exhaustion fell over me yet I still couldn't sleep. My body was numb, but my mind was racing.

I hated what HE did to me. But at the same time what happened thrilled me, and the danger and the possibility of us getting caught fueled both of us even more.

I hated it. But at the same time I couldn't lie to myself - I wanted more.

And more and more and more and more and m -

_**- 8 -**_

_**My alarm sang out at seven that morning, and I rolled over, groaning. There was sun shining directly in my eyes. **_

_**Christ . . . remind me to not forget to close the blinds next time. **_

_**Why were they even open?**_

_**. . . Oh yeah. I'd opened them . . . after what had happened . . . **_

_**Hah. That.**_

_**With a dry smirk on my face, I sat up as thoughts, memories, sensations started making my fingertips pound in their reminiscent desire.**_

_**Her.**_

_**Wow, it seemed surreal now. I mean, had it happened? Was she really here with me, in my bed, five hours ago? After eight years of a seemingly unbearable absence, had Susannah Simon finally given me the thing that I'd always wanted, last night?**_

_**Well, in a sense. Long ago I had my fantasies about being her first one, but a certain cowboy beat me to that by proposing first.**_

_**Hah. Sorry, Rico. Even after you got hitched, your girl still wants me.**_

_**As I got ready - I was due down at the gym at eight - my mind was in a deluded blur of lustful thoughts. They tortured me with tantalizing seduction, making me feel hungry for her again.**_

_**I had no physical proof that I'd see her again. For all I knew, she could have caught a flight back to the arms of her perfect Prince Hector. **_

_**But something told me that she was still here. And that she still wanted things from me that she wasn't getting back home. **_

_**Penis, for a start, since we haven't established yet that de Silva has one.**_

I watched as the sun rose and the darkness in my room lessened. The shadows disappeared and the objects in the room slowly took shape.

I barely slept a wink the whole night. I kept waking up in fitful thoughts, afraid of the coming day and ashamed of the previous.

Sighing, I got up from the bed and shuffled my way to the bathroom. Whether I liked it or not, I had to go to the office since my boss is holding a meeting about our new client.

If only the client, Mr. Dunningham is as pleasant as my supervisor, who is the epitome of a successful working female. I mean, all he ever done was give both of us grief over the designs of the poster for his company. Why can't he hire his own damn designer then?

Thinking about his obnoxious behaviour was good though. It allowed me no space to think of the other obnoxious person I recently encountered.

Not just encountered, but actually had - okay, shut up.

I randomly picked out some clothes and went to the bathroom to take a nice hot shower. Hopefully, it could wake me up a little bit and I won't look like a half-dead zombie by the time I get to the office.

_**By eight thirty, I was sitting in the leg press at Zest, a gym that was a couple of blocks down from my apartment. I'd been on it for about fifteen minutes, so I moved over to the walking machines and set the speed to 9mph, and started running on it. It wasn't long before my forehead got slick with perspiration.**_

_**It felt great, running off all the excess energy that was still pumping through my system from the day before. The heat I was generating didn't hold a candle to the heat that had existed in my bedroom yesterday. **_

_**God . . . just thinking about her was a mistake. It made me want her, all over again. There and then. **_

_**Then again, that probably wouldn't have impressed her all that much since I was sweating profusely. So maybe after a shower, then hell yes, my wanting her there and then would certainly resume.**_

_**I zoned out completely as I set the speed higher, running and blanking out. I remembered the feel of her hands on my back. God, it had been euphoria. Hot, and strong, and desirous.**_

_**The passion had been so thick and potent that it almost had a choking quality. Like when Suze almost stopped breathing when we were starting. She'd been crying so hard that she couldn't breathe. The fear, I guess. Fear of letting herself experience something that her body badly needed.**_

_**Even though, you know, she was kind of breaking one of the ten commandments and all.**_

_**Not important.**_

_**Her hands, though, stuck with me. That, and her eyes. The whole time I'd been looking into them, they'd been so . . . terrified. As if I was going to hurt her.**_

_**It cut me, that look. I'd never hurt her.**_

_**Not intentionally, anyway. Or at least, I'd never hurt her more than I knew she could handle. Because I sure as hell wasn't gentle with her. I'm no pansy in bed.**_

_**Several women can vouch for that.**_

_**Hey green eyes. They were so deep. Like I was looking into a whole other world through them. They told me everything that I needed to know. I knew when to back off, and when I knew she couldn't stand something anymore. Because that was always my goal - push her as far as she'd go till she was desperate for me to stop.**_

_**It was then that I knew I'd reached her limit, where she felt the most pleasure.**_

_**Ha. I don't know how de Silva was with her - and I don't plan on knowing his style in the bedroom, thank you very much - but I'd bet he wasn't as in tune to her as I was. Sure, Jesse's a sensitive bastard. But he's a wuss.**_

_**I knew Suze. I knew what she wanted, how much she wanted, and when she REALLY wanted me to stop.**_

_**Which was never when she said.**_

Finally. After he finished his speech, Elsie managed to talk some sense into him and made him accept our proposal.

Houston, we have a deal.

Okay, that sounded corny.

Making my way to my temp office, I dumped all the posters and stuff on the table. It was almost lunchtime, but I didn't feel hungry.

I craved something. But not food.

Oh no.

I sat down on my seat and turned on the computer. The screen was black, then turned light blue as the login page emerged.

Blue, like his eyes. Piercing and soft at the same time.

Shaking my head, I punched in my password and waited for it to login into my account.

One of the office boy dropped something for me, a memo from my supervisor. As he turned, I noticed that he was too skinny. He need more muscles, so that his back would be more defined, like - CRAP.

_**After a couple of hours down there, I went and had a shower in the bathrooms there. Hot, steamy shower.**_

_**Heh. Not in reference to ANYTHING.**_

_**After I was free from sweat, I got changed into my work clothes - tie, suit, the whole deal - and by eleven, I was in my office taking phone calls from would-be clientele who are desperate need of my legal guidance.**_

_**Law is concrete, my friends. Law determines what can and cannot be done. Laws aren't God's ten commandments. Law is America's way of keeping people alive and well. I only obey the commandments that collide with law.**_

_**Everything else can get screwed.**_

_**Seventh commandment in particular.**_

I can't do this. Waiting around like . . . like..

**_Even as I was hearing a Mrs Olivia Martin-Price's voice over the phone, my mind wasn't on my job – proving her innocence in a stupid car accident._**

_**It was on something else.**_

_**. . . Not now, Slater. Keep it in your pants, you dick.**_

Without thinking, I grabbed my purse and bolted out of the office. Elsie's secretary was asking me something, but I kept on walking.

I wasn't thinking, and I liked it that way. Because if I stopped to think about what I was about to do, I might as well just kill myself.

Treacherous behaviour. How wonderful.

What was the name of the company again? Damn, I shouldn't have tossed away his card when he offered it to me yesterday.

_**I sat in front of my laptop, my hands on the keys. But I couldn't type. Once again . . . . my mind was so far away.**_

_**I remembered something my friend told me once about the seventh commandment; Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery.**_

**For accidentally omitting the word 'not' from this Commandment, a London publisher was imprisoned for two years.**

_**. . . Ha.**_

Westgate? Westwood? Weston.

Weston and . . . and . . .

Bennett. Weston and Bennett Legal Advice.

_**Wow. Heavy stuff.**_

_**Adultery. Suze, my adulteress.**_

_**Oh, get a GRIP Slater. It was one time. Stop kidding yourself . . . you know she's not coming back. She's probably on the plane to Carmel as we speak. **_

I told the taxi driver the name of the company, and he nodded. Good.

_**It was a one time only thing. A chance meeting. A day and a night of passion.**_

_**But it was over. It was a mistake for her, remember?**_

_**She'll never forget it at least . . . **_

_**Her conscience wouldn't allow it.**_

Fifteen minutes later, the taxi stopped in front of a large glass building.

Huh. Glass. How fitting.

Suddenly I felt nervous. Why wasn't there any traffic today? I could have used more time sitting in the cab. Perhaps even changed my mind.

Too late now. I gave the driver the fare and got out. Walking into the building, I tried to look as if I belonged with the rest of the lawyers and interns.

I didn't.

Looking at the board besides the lift, I saw a name. The name that caused my heart to race and my face to burn. Ignoring the ache in . . . uh, certain areas of my body, I walked into the lift and pressed the button.

_**I was so involved in my staring at the computer screen - not even seeing it, as opposed to seeing someone that wasn't actually there, seeing her how I'd seen her the night before - that I didn't hear the phone ringing right beside me. The sound was too far away.**_

_**Slater, stop it. Stop obsessing over her. She's not yours. Just because you want her to be. She doesn't belong to you. She's not yours.**_

The receptionist pointed me to a room near the back of the office. Heart pounding like mad, I made my way there, half-running back to the lift.

I was making a mistake. A humongous mistake.

Yet I couldn't stop myself.

_**'Mr Slater, call on line one, it's George,' Katie, the receptionist, said to me in a perky voice. **_

_**George. **_

_**My client. **_

_**God help him. **_

_**I picked up the phone, greeted by the brusque tones of a very large, very powerless man.**_

_**'Paul Slater! Finally, I've gotten hold of you! I'd appreciate if I could come down this afternoon, and . . . you know . . . run over my case a little? Just some . . . er, untruths we want to get straight?' I groaned inwardly. 'Sure, Mr - ' **_

**_Holy crap . . . what was sh – _**

_**'Actually,' I said quickly, 'I'm going to have to cancel that. Sorry. Gotta go - ' **_

_**And I slammed down the phone, standing up immediately. Suze was standing there, looking at me with a lost expression on her face. 'Suze,' I said in a choked voice, one that was highly unusual for me.**_

_**She . . . she hadn't left. She was back.**_

_**Hah. I knew she would be.**_

I didn't even know what I was doing here. It was like I was on automatic pilot, just moving along without thinking. Looking for his firm, coming up here to his office when I was supposed to be on my way back to Carmel. I didn't know what I want. And when I looked at him, he seemed as shocked as I felt.

'Paul,' I said slowly.

He was wearing a dark suit, looking like every inch the lawyer he was and his hair was combed nicely. I felt like running my fingers through them and messing it up.

_**I just stood there like an idiot for a moment, before nodding at her. 'What do you want?' I asked her.**_

Good question. What did I want? I looked at him for a moment, before saying the first thing that came to mind, 'What happened . . . I wanted to make sure that it stays between us.'

_**I stared at her for a moment again. 'Of course,' I said. Then, I took a small step towards her, and slowly, I slid my hand down the side of her face. Her eyes closed. My fingers moved gently to her hair, twirling it around my fingers. **_

_**So soft . . . **_

I snapped my eyes open. No, I can't let it happen again. I looked at him as he traced his finger down my neck, and I realized that this wasn't the Paul I used to know.

That was a boy.

This was a man.

And I was scared of him, and what he was capable of.

'Okay. Good,' I forced myself to say, then stepped back from him.

Cold from the air-conditioned office rushed in, making me miss the heat from his body. But it didn't matter. Now I did what I came to do, and I shall leave.

**_No, no. She wasn't getting away that easily. That was NOT why she came. She came for one thing only. I moved up against her suddenly, holding her into me. In front of my colleagues. I didn't care. They could all get screwed, anyway. Which, you know, was what I was aiming at here. _**

_**'No,' I whispered at her, 'Not good.'**_

_**I grabbed her hand, so she was still against me. Katie, the receptionist, was staring at me with raised eyebrows. Let her stare. I didn't care. **_

_**I started pulling Suze out of this room. I guided her down the hallways, littered with stupid interns and pathetic lawyer-wannabes. I came to the elevator at the end of the seventh floor. I pulled her in after me, then I shut the door, pressing up.**_

_**Then I jammed the elevator.**_

_**'Right,' I said, turning back towards her. 'You didn't come here to say that.' **_

**_I shoved her against the wall, harder than necessary, probably. _**

**_'You came here for _this.'**

- 8 -

Review . . . 


	4. Lies

Enjoy.

Love Lolly and Aina.

- 8 -

I just let him pull me. I didn't even struggle. I guess I was curious to see where this was going. I didn't expect to be lead into the elevator though. Or that he would stop it as it was ascending. Or that he would then turned and looked at me with a hunger in his eyes, pushing me back against the wall. I was freaked.

'Paul, don't do thi –'

But he kissed me, effectively shutting me up.

_**She was asking for it. I had learnt by then that anything that came from her mouth was a lie. Only when I liked her words, did I choose to believe them. Any words that were in my favour were accepted with my deepest delight. All others were disregarded. Because a lot of the times, she was just bullshitting and denying what she really felt.**_

**_Things like, 'Paul . . . oh God . . . don't stop . . . ' are the things that I listen to._**

_**Which, surprisingly, had come from her a lot that other night.**_

_**Or, not surprisingly, when you think about it.**_

He kept on kissing me, making me feel like I should just give in. It was easy to just do that . . . when his hands were slipping under my shirt and leaving hot trails everywhere. I felt like a slut. I tried to shove him away, even though I knew it was useless. He was too strong.

**_I'd unbuttoned her top within seconds. My hands had been so damned tempted to just rip it open, but a charity thought was spared on her behalf, thinking how it would look if she walked out with a broken-buttoned top. _**

_**No . . . no . . . **_

_**I slid the fabric off her shoulders frantically, kissing her harder. I loved her resistance . . . I loved her guilt, her betrayal, her fear, her denied pleasure. **_

_**It was damn FRUSTRATING, but I loved it all the same. The thrills she inspired were awesome. They made my body ache for her. **_

_**I jammed my hand on the STOP button of the elevator again for good measure, slamming her against the door again. **_

_**Hard. **_

_**Jarring her senses.**_

What's the point of fighting when all I wanted was for him to continue? Oh yeah. The fact that I'm married.

Damn it.

'No . . . wait, this is wrong..' I made some half-hearted plea, but even to my ears they didn't sound convincing. He ravished my neck, dragging his tongue across my skin, prompting me to lose control. How could something so wrong be so delicious?

He slammed me against the door, making me realize that my shirt was already open. But he didn't stop. He was tugging at my knee-high skirt, pulling it up. I'm so going to hell.

_**This was inconvenient. Instead, I lifted her up, pressing her against the wall as hard as I could so she wouldn't fall. My hands slid along her thighs as I still kissed her neck. I held her against me firmly, sandwiched between me and the wall. I could feel her heart beating. It was going even faster than mine. And that's saying a HELL of a lot,**_

This wasn't something innocent. This was just passion speaking. For both of us.

_**I loved this . . . I loved it with every drop of sensuality in me . . . Her legs wrapped around my hips as if automatically. I continued trying to slide her skirt up. **_

_**Damned thing . . . much as I loved tight clothes on her, they were so hard to get OFF.**_

I was through fighting. Some part of me knew that I was going to regret it later, but right now I didn't care. Grabbing his head, I pressed my lips against his, relishing in his taste. His hair was soft under my fingers and I knew that they weren't so neat anymore.

_**And there she was . . . **_

_**I win, every time.**_

_**I grinned against her lips.**_

_**- 8 -**_

**_. . . Ten minutes later, they were FINALLY getting the elevator working again. Suze and I were, uh, 'traumatized' that we'd been trapped in there. Alone. By the time we stepped out, her clothes were neat again, as were mine. Her hair wasn't as perfect as it had been upon entrance, but it looked sexier now, anyway. Mine was probably a lost cause._**

_**I don't think it took a dummy to work out what had gone on in that elevator. As typical, Suze said she had to go. Just after it had gotten good, too. She always DID that. I guess that was what kept ME coming back for more. And her? Well, if she kept stopping like that, we'd never have a decent screw. So it was her own fault now, wasn't it.**_

_**She was in my system now. She was pumping through my veins, pounding at my temples, contaminating my oxygen.**_

_**Like a disease that I never wanted to be cured of.**_

I think that Britney song should be my theme now. Oops I did it again. Yeah. How I did. And in a freaking elevator! Jesse would never have done that. And the worst part was that might be the reason why I responded so well to Paul. He's everything Jesse was not. Impulsive, spontaneous, rough . . . He made me feel things I didn't feel with Jesse.

Guilt was cascading down on me again. How dare I think of such things about him? He loved me. He would do anything for me. And this was how I repay him. Screwing the guy he hated most.

I felt like crying. I was so messed up. Even more when I realized that even after what we had done, there's a part of me that still wanted more.

_**As maintenance guys were going past us to look at the elevator, I turned to Suze. I hadn't wanted to stop. I NEVER wanted to stop. Not when it was her. 'Well,' I said. 'That was different.' Which earned me a hard slap. One which I just laughed at.**_

_**I ought to have slapped her back. I would have, but we were in my office. So I just smirked at her, gave her a mockery of a nod, and turned, leaving her standing the hallway of my workplace, still breathing hard after our . . . um . . . elevator accident.**_

I just gaped at him as he walked away, apparently unfazed after what just took place. Well, knowing him, he probably had screwed every girl in his office in the same damn elevator. What difference was it with me? I felt so cheap. Walking away, I forced myself to calm down and not running after him and slapping him again.

_**I guess it only occurred to me there. But this had happened twice, now. Two, amazing times. . . . **_

_**Suze was officially a very naughty girl . . .**_

Go home. This time, don't think twice. Once was bad enough, but twice? That's just unthinkable. It was like those people in the movies . . . oh my God. Am I having an affair with Paul?

_**She was cheating on her Jesse. With me. Isn't that priceless? I mean, this is how life works. You sit back, and wait till things like this just fall in your lap. You don't run after the girl - if she wants you, she'll come to you. . . . **_

_**And damn it, Suze wanted me. **_

_**You could tell by her breath, by her gasps . . . **_

_**By her barely being able to look me in the eye.**_

Oh God. I was cheating on Jesse with Paul. History repeating itself. When I swore to myself after the high school incident in his room that I would never give in to him again.

And yet here I was. Years later, doing the same thing. Only worse. I didn't stop at kissing him. I slept with him.

I'm sorry, Jesse. I'm so, so, so sorry . . .

_**Laughingly, I entertained the possibility of taking her out. She'd say no, of course. She was married. And that was out in public. But then again . . . I was the one making all the decisions here. If I told her to do something, it wasn't long before she reluctantly let me do what I wanted with her.**_

_**No details, of course.**_

- 8 -

There was no way I could go back to the office after . . . that.

I hailed a cab and quickly gave directions to my hotel. As I sat in the cab, I tried to smooth down my skirt and my blouse. My hands were shaking.

My whole body was shaking. From what? Regret? Fear? Shame? Guilt? Desire? Anger?

All of them.

I wanted to cry, but I didn't. God, he was so . . . rough. And demanding. Unlike yesterday, today it was like he was the one who wanted it. Like he couldn't control himself anymore.

Everything we'd done was so physical. Nothing like the gentleness of Jesse.

Stop it.

I reached the hotel and walked to my room in a blur. Fumbling for my keys, it took me a few tries before I managed to turn the lock.

I walked to the couch and sat down, staring into space. I felt so lost. I felt so confused.

When the phone rang, I automatically picked it up without thinking.

'Querida?'

My heart plummeted to my stomach and I almost dropped the phone. Gripping the handle tightly with both hands, I uttered very shakily, 'H-hello? J-Jesse?'

Calm down. Breathe.

His voice went soft, like it always did when he spoke to me. Usually, I would have been overjoyed. Now, though . . . it did something to me that hurt like I couldn't imagine. A pain that was completely my fault. 'Susannah . . . you haven't called.' His voice was playful. Light. Teasing. 'Haven't forgotten me, haven't you?'

I forced a laugh, even though my chest felt tight with phantom pain. 'Of course not, Jesse. I- I've just been busy with the new client . . . he's very picky. We had to do a lot of adjustments with the posters . . . '

I couldn't go on. My eyes started to prickle. His voice. Oh God, I'd missed it.

'I've missed you,' he went on, grains of emotion coming into his voice. He adopted his playful manner once again. 'I've decided that you're not going to work anymore, Susannah. If it means you're away from here, then I won't stand for it.'

It wasn't like he missed me when I was there . . . God. Sometimes I felt like he loved the hospital more than me. I don't measure up to the thrill he gets from doing some eight year old brat's stitches after he's stacked it on his bike.

I was quiet for a moment, not sure whether I should give in to my frustration about his work or to forget about it. In the end, I said, 'Well, Jesse, if you're at home more often, maybe I don't have to work anymore . . . ' I was saying the words playfully, but I was serious.

I love my job, but I love him more.

He laughed all the same.

'Hospital's busy,' he told me with weariness, 'Been there practically day and night. Dr. Layton called in sick a week ago, and we're short-staffed. How's New York? And your grandmother? She's well?'

'Um,' I said, 'Fine.'

He was obviously expecting a slight elaboration on my part. He coughed awkwardly. 'Oh,' he muttered. 'Susannah . . . are you all right? You seem . . . quiet.'

Really? You should have seen me half an hour ago. I sure as hell wasn't being quiet then.

'Of course the hospital's busy. It always is, isn't it?' Then I stopped myself and took deep, calming breath. It helped a little, and I didn't sound as curt as before. 'Grandma's fine. She's busy with her Gardening Club and the usual stuff . . . you know how she is.'

'Yes,' he grumbled. 'I don't know how you are. I'd like to, if you'd only talk.'

'I'm great,' I said, slightly bitterly. 'I'm just - '

Again, something hard and painful in my throat stopped me from talking.

Jesse went on talking about something, but I had to lower the phone away from my face.

This was what I was giving up, for a few minutes of ecstasy.

I'm a slut.

I was shaking, and I had my hand over my mouth, trying to stop myself from crying.

'Susannah?'

I held up the phone again, and choked out something in reply. He doesn't know. He doesn't know.

I sucked in a shuddering breath.

'Susannah,' he said sharply, 'You're crying. What's wrong?'

'I'm fine,' I lied, 'I just . . . miss you, and - '

You are SO going to hell . . .

Adulteress.

'I'm fine, Jesse . . . .I - Don't worry about me. I'll be home soon . . . .okay?'

As if I could escape what I had done by going home.

He was silent for a moment. 'You can not think that by saying that I suddenly won't worry. I don't want to leave you like this.'

But you left me anyway! I wanted to scream at him. For your FREAKING WORK.

And your wife had to go to another GUY for sex because you weren't there!

GOD.

'Jesse, it's okay. I'm fine. Okay?'

My voice was defensive now. Tears were pushed away. Anger was present now.

Yeah . . . I only did it because he didn't want me. He may have LOVED me, but he didn't want me. Not like Paul did.

He sighed. 'I'll ring later . . . when you're more yourself. I'm not going to get anything out of you now, you're too stubborn to tell me.'

I closed my eyes, trying to reign in the wave of extreme sadness there.

'Querida . . . te amo. I love you.'

He hung up.

And I just cried.

I threw the phone away, faintly noticing as it banged against the wall. It didn't smash, though. It was tough.

Unlike me. I was weak. All I could do was cry. What was the POINT of crying?

I hated Paul. I hated Jesse. I hated myself.

But all I could feel at that moment was sadness, and I let it wash over me.

It crushed me, tore me apart, and left me for dead. I was cheating. I hated it. I LOVED it. I was degrading myself with every second that I spent with Paul. I did things with him that Jesse would NEVER ask me to do. I was unclean, and I stank of impurity.

I don't deserve him. Jesse. I don't deserve Jesse.

8 -

_**My case was a bitch. I'd spilt coffee on my employer. My in tray was over-loading. I couldn't think straight. Wonder who's fault THAT was? Well, mine, but I'm not the only guilty party.**_

_**After finishing up, I felt like I was going to explode. I was frustrated, angry, and in desperate need of . . . uhhh . . . never mind. **_

_**Suze was all I could think about. **_

_**Everything about her. What we'd done, what she'd said, the noises she made, the smell of her hair, the way she kissed, her constant denial and resistance . . . it was making me go mad. I loved what she did to me.**_

_**But I damned well hated it, too.**_

_**So, at 6pm, I packed up my forms that I was never going to get done that night, and threw my briefcase in my car, driving to Suze's hotel. I knew where she was at. We needed to talk. Sort things out. I mean . . . well, okay, there wasn't really anything to sort out. If THAT ever happened, it would be for her to stop this 'thing' that we had going on. **_

_**She was married, after all. To a guy who was a workaholic and a fuckwitt, but that has nothing to do with it. **_

_**Well, maybe a bit. **_

_**I was knocking at her apartment door. I knew she was there. I could hear her TV.**_

I stared into space, the TV blaring in the background. I was supposed to be watching the latest episode of 'Lost', my favourite show but today even the prospect of Charlie dying couldn't hold my attention.

My mind was a million miles away . . . thinking about someone that I shouldn't have been thinking about. Someone who will ruin everything that I have - my marriage. The most important thing in the world to me, but the way I've been acting lately betrays that fact. Adulteress. That's who I was.

Sighing, I reached for my glass of water when suddenly there was knocking on my front door. Weird. It's late, and I wasn't expecting anyone. Slowly getting up, I made my way to the door and asked, 'Who is it?'

_**'Santa,' I growled wryly. 'Open up, Simon. We need to talk.'**_

**_Because you're on my naughty list – _**

_**Okay. Yeah, too far.**_

I froze, my pulse racing like mad. All of a sudden I felt hot. And not because I was wearing a sweater. 'What do you want?' I croaked, not opening the door.

_**'To talk,' I repeated in annoyance.**_

'So talk,' I said, not budging to open the door. Because there was no telling what will happen if I let him in. No telling what he would do. Or what I would do.

_**'You really want me to shout this all through the door for the whole hotel to hear?' I asked. 'Because I will.'**_

Damn it. I flung open the door, now angry more than scared. 'What the hell is your problem?'

_**I walked in quickly, and turned around, facing her. 'Can't pinpoint which one's more pressing at the moment, sorry,' I replied. **_

_**I looked around. 'Nice place,' I said. **_

_**'Very homey. Not pink, like your old room. Then again, this isn't exactly your homestead, is it.' I stepped turned my head to her, and again, tried to keep it in my pants. **_

_**Sorry. Just . . . God, I wanted her.**_

I stared at him as he looked around the room lazily in that sexy way of his. Oh my God, did I just called Paul SEXY?

Forgive me, God, for I have sinned.

Well, more so than I already have.

_**'So,' I said, making casual, calculated steps towards her, 'I wanted to talk . . . '**_

_**That's the thing about Suze. She's easy to read. I know what to do that will make her tick. I know if what I'm doing is working. I can see it in her physically. I get close, she flushes and moves away. I kiss her, she kisses back and then pulls away. I run my fingers across her skin, she shudders. I know her. I want her. But I can't have her. Not completely, anyway . . . **_

I swallowed painfully, reminding myself to keep my distance from him. Already he was looking at me in that way . . . and it just made me all nervous as usual. It's strange, how with just a look he can make my mind and my feelings all messed up.

'Then talk.'

_**I smirked, feeling my work frustrations die away, but some other frustrations arise. **_

_**No, really. . . . **_

_**Oh God, Paul, CONTROL yourself man.**_

_**'Well,' I said, standing in front of her, trying to think of something to say. I mean, I didn't really come here with a plan to discuss the consequences of our little fling or anything . . . 'I wanted to know if you wanted to . . . go somewhere.' **_

_**She'd say no at first.**_

Did he just say . . . 'Paul, are you crazy? There's no way am I going to go anywhere with you.'

And I managed to say that in a firm manner, thank you.

_**Ha. I know her too well. I smiled a little wider. 'Are you . . . sure?'**_

_**The thing that's convenient about walls is that they're always there for you. Really. Like emotional support. They're always hanging around, just waaaaaaiting for guys to press girls suddenly against them. **_

_**Gotta love walls.**_

_**Well, it did the trick. With my body pressed that hard against hers, her eyes closed, and she rolled her head back a bit. **_

_**Trying not to feel. **_

_**Wouldn't work though.**_

I hated this. I _hated_ this.

_**My hand slid into the arch of her lower back, where I found my way beneath the back of her shirt, seducing the skin there with my fingers. I could feel her reactions. And I loved them. 'I mean . . . in case you wanted to . . . think about it,' I added slightly, my face beside hers, my lips so close to her ears. **_

_**Her hair smelt divine. **_

_**Looked it too. **_

_**Clean, and beautiful.**_

My mind was telling me that I should push him away, but my body was telling me to give in. His lips looked soft and inviting, and his hand just seemed to . . . know.

Oh God . . . I couldn't.

No more.

Somehow, with a strength I never knew I possessed, I pushed him away. Trying not to breathe heavily, I fumbled with my top and said without looking at him, 'You said you wanted to talk. So . . . talk. Here. I mean, we can talk here.'

_**Damn her . . .**_

He just stared at me, his expression unfathomable. But his eyes were dark and dangerous.

This was so not good.

_**I glared. For the first time, I started to get an inkling of how badly I was screwing her up. Her marriage, I mean. Here I was, trying so hard to tempt her, and there she was, trying so hard to stay true to a guy who she'd already cheated on. We'd gone too far now, she couldn't turn back. So there was no point in saying no, right?**_

_**Her constant refusal was frustrating as much as it was appealing. **_

He reached for me again, but I backed away. His hand hung in the air between us for a moment, before dropping to his side.

I watched him, puzzled and fearful. 'What is it that you wanted to say . . . ?'

_**I half-smiled, and crossed my arms. **_

_**Yeah, Slater. What is it that you wanted to say?**_

_**. . . No, don't say that. It won't mean anything to her. And it damned well SHOULDN'T.**_

_**I shrugged. 'You've been crying,' I commented. **_

_**I could see that here eyes were red. **_

I quickly looked away. The last thing I need was for him to know about the call from Jesse. And knowing Paul, he could probably guess things like these.

"No . . . just . . . allergies."

And the Award for the Lamest Excuse of the Week goes to . . .

_**I felt like mimicking that "Achoo! I'm allergic to bullshit" thing I saw on I, Robot but I didn't think it was the time.**_

_**'Right,' I said sarcastically. 'And George Bush has an IQ of 198.'**_

I sighed loudly. 'What the hell do you want, Paul? Can you just spit it out so I can go to bed already?'

I froze as I realized what I just said. I didn't mean to mention the word 'bed' in case he gets any ideas, but too late. Maybe that was his idea all long.

_**I blinked lazily. She was getting flushed. **_

**_Heh . . . want company?_**

_**'What happened?' I asked her.**_

'Nothing happened,' I snapped.

_**Is that what she was going to say to de Silva when he asked how her trip to New York was?**_

_**'Does he know?' I asked very softly, moving closer to her once more. Her hair was practically in her eyes. I pushed it behind her ear slowly. She blatantly shivered.**_

'Who?' Oh, of course I knew who he was talking about, but I just couldn't give in to him.

Yeah, like I haven't.

_**My expression went bored. 'He doesn't,' I said. 'But you've talked to him, haven't you?'**_

_**I couldn't still be standing here if he knew.**_

I didn't answer him. I just stared at a spot on the carpet.

_**'Hmm,' I said. 'Come on, Suze. Come with me . . . you haven't eaten yet, have you.'**_

_**I could smell no aroma of food, nor could I see any evidence of take-out or dirty dishes.**_

I scoffed. 'It's okay, I'm not hungry.'

He knew how bad I felt about Jesse, but it's just like Paul to ignore that.

_**'You are so,' I argued with a smirk.**_

Well, I was, but the hell am I gonna go with him.

'You know it's hard for me to trust you at the moment?'

_**I raised my eyebrows. 'In what context, Suze?'**_

'As in, being alone with you.'

_**'Ah,' I said. 'Well, I'm alone with you now . . . if we grab something to eat, there'll be all of New York to keep me in line.'**_

I hesitated. But he did look sincere . . .

My stomach growled, and I blushed. 'Fine. But after we eat you take me straight back here, no questions.'

_**I smiled graciously. 'Of course.'**_

_**. . . Yeah, Slater. Right.**_


	5. Games

Sorry we took so long…

Teehee...

REVIEW! LOOOOOOOOOOONG REVIEWS ARE COOL... Gah, I miss long reviews.

Love Lolly and Aina.

**- 8 -**

So there I was, sitting in a car with the Paul Slater. The one who I had vowed to stay away from, and yet the one I couldn't. He hadn't said anything to me since we left my hotel room, which I was fine with. He was probably relishing his victory or something. Victory over me.

But really, who could I blame but myself?

I wondered where he's taking us for dinner. I hoped it's not some fancy candlelit restaurant. But then I hoped it's not McD's either.

_**I looked sideways at her as I was driving. Not all that many people drive in New York. I was one of the not many. I preferred to rely on my own vehicle as opposed to public transport. **_

_**She wasn't speaking to me. Which was understandable. I vaguely wondered if I should have struck up conversation . . . but I didn't. She wouldn't have appreciated it, at all.**_

I could feel him staring at me . . . and my heart started racing. Damn heart. Why must you betray me? Here I was feeling guilty with Jesse's voice still in my head and yet . . . there was that part of me that was actually looking forward to this.

This being having dinner with Paul. Hah. I think the only time I ever actually had dinner with him was during our first date back in high school. Of course, I had no idea who he was and what he was capable of doing.

_**I saw her gaze flicker to my side of the car very briefly, before hurriedly looking away. I smirked. Ah, Suze . . . you don't realize how gorgeous you are . . . **_

_**Because she didn't. I mean, she knew she was pretty. She had confidence. But . . . I doubted she REALLY knew. She had this sweet modesty about her. Like, if someone told her how beautiful she was, she wouldn't believe it.**_

_**And that was so damned sexy . . . **_

_**I'd known girls who KNEW they were stunning. Legs that went on forever, huge eyes, impeccable make-up, killer rack, curvy, tall . . .**_

_**But they KNEW it. They were arrogant about it. Like me. I'm an insensitive asshole. I know the affect that I have on women. I use it to my advantage. I, in know way, doubt the power of my physique.**_

_**Suze did. **_

_**Her physique, not mine.**_

_**That notch of naive uncertainty was extremely attractive. And she didn't even know THAT. **_

_**Maybe it had to do with the fact that she was married . . . **_

_**Wow, Slater. You've found your new target category.**_

_**Except . . . I know that was insane, but . . . I didn't WANT to think about anything that would happen after Suze. Because God, I loved everything about her. The way she made me feel, the way I made HER feel . . . I didn't want to contemplate anything that would come after this fling was over. Because that's all it was. **_

_**I just wish it weren't.**_

I never knew how to react around him. I always ended up feeling like some 10-year-old kid with a crush. Not that I have a crush on him, NO.

But . . . it felt exciting. It felt new. This feeling of abandon and letting go of thinking about the consequences of my actions. Like I was being given a taste of freedom in a very long time.

Did I want it to last? That's the question. Because I think I knew that whatever I have with Paul . . . will be just that. Nothing more.

And I didn't know if I should laugh or cry.

I took a deep breath. "Where are we going?"

_**There was a red light. So I stopped. As people sometimes do . . . **_

_**I looked sideways at her again. She was staring forward, her eyelids half-closed in reflection. The side profile of her lips was so . . . perfect. They pouted down. Their shape was perfect. Her eyelashes were long. And her skin was flawless . . . **_

_**I coughed, and stopped looking at her. 'TGI's.'**_

Okay. Not too fancy, not too drab. I'll take that.

We'd stopped at a traffic lights, and without the sound of the car moving, the silence in it was deafening. I wondered why he didn't turn on the radio.

I glanced at him. This time, he wasn't looking at me, but at the side rearview mirror. I noticed that he had a really nice profile, probably because he has the perfect bone structure. I wondered why he never considered modeling. He would have been successful in that, I believed.

But then again, he would have been successful in anything. What he wanted, he got.

I wondered if I should shoot myself for thinking so much about Paul Slater

_**When the traffic started moving again - what? It was 8pm on a Saturday night, it DOES get busy - I continued driving in the most perfect silence, till I pulled in at TGI Friday's. I carefully reversed into a parking space, holding the back of Suze's car seat as I did so. **_

_**'Okay,' I smiled at her. In the warm, yet cold light, she looked beautiful. **_

_**She always looked beautiful though.**_

_**Without really looking at me - or regarding me in any way, shape or form - she exited my car. Raising my eyebrows, I did so as well. I looked over at the restaurant. It was pretty busy. Full of a bunch of people that I didn't know, that Suze didn't know, and Jesse didn't know. People that didn't even care we were in there. No one to link us being there together as anything less than moral.**_

I looked around as we entered the restaurant, and briefly worried if anyone from my office accidentally sees us together. But then there's nothing that could make them think that we were nothing more than friends.

Look could be so deceiving.

The place was packed. As usual, the setting inside the TGIs were dark but cozy, with families eating and chatting happily at the booths and tables while a bunch of guys hung out at the bar at the other side of the room. The smell of the food were delicious, and I suddenly felt starved. I hadn't eaten anything all day.

The waitress lead us to a table at one side of the room, not exactly hidden, but not exactly out in the open. I

I was glad that I had on a simple blouse and black pants instead of something fancier. Looking at the other people there in their normal clothes, barely glancing at us, I felt my pulse slowed down almost to its normal rate.

I didn't look at Paul the whole time.

_**I sat down opposite her, and she refused to meet my eye. She just grabbed the menu straight away, and pretended to occupy herself with that. **_

_**'Suze,' I almost laughed. I leant across the table a little, and grabbed her hand. THAT made her look up at me. She didn't pull away, but she didn't exactly look thrilled at the fact I was touching her. **_

_**Under different circumstances, she may have been a little more pleased.**_

_**But we both had our clothes on at the moment. So this wasn't one of those circumstances.**_

I should let go of his hand. But I couldn't. For some weird reason, it felt comforting . . . his warm hand on my cold one. It was easy to just melt away . . .

I pulled away my hand, in the guise that I needed to hold the menu with both hands. Even though I didn't need to.

_**With a pang of disappointment - after all, that's what she always did; pulled away just when I'd gotten hold of her, because she was never mine to hold - I too busied myself with menu perusal. **_

_**'What do you want?' I asked her.**_

I almost laughed out loud when he asked me that.

What do I want? What do I WANT? Do you really want to know, Paul?

I want to stop feeling so damn guilty. I want to stop feeling thrilled when you look at me. I want to go back in time and prevent us from meeting again. I want to go home and cry myself to sleep. I want to freaking STOP cheating on Jesse. I want to eat but not when you're looking at me like you're hungry for something else. I want to tell you that I feel the same way too.

I want to call Jesse and hear his voice again. But at the same time I want to you to touch me like you did that night, and for that, I want to kill myself.

_**'Suze?' I asked. She was looking glazed again. 'What do you want to eat?'**_

So much want, so little ways to fulfill them. I guess that's what makes life so unpredictable.

I glanced down at the menu and read the words in a daze. Randomly, I chose some chicken meal that looked appetizing, as compared to the others. Truth was, I suddenly felt like my appetite was gone. But I told Paul my order anyway.

_**I nodded with smirk. 'Chicken Caesar it is. Salad or fries?'**_

_**This waiter walked up to our table, notebook in hand. I saw his eyes wander to Suze, down to her hand, to her ring, to me, and then quickly back to his notebook.**_

_**Sorry buddy, she's taken. **_

_**Yeah, I know. Sucks, doesn't it?**_

_**'Ready to order?' he raised his eyebrows. **_

_**I looked over at Suze. She looked like the salad type of girl to me. 'She'll have a Chicken Caesar with salad,' I said, 'And . . . Diet Coke.'**_

_**Suze looked up at me in surprise, smiled, but then quickly looked away. **_

_**'I'll get . . . scotch fillet steak, thanks. Very well done. And a Pepsi.'**_

_**He jotted that down. **_

_**'Yep,' he said. 'Won't be too long.' **_

_**He left.**_

_**I looked back over at Suze, who looked particularly disheartened at the fact that there was going to be waiting required, in order for us to eat. She looked positively dismayed, actually.**_

_**Wow, that was an ego booster.**_

_**Heh. It's okay, Suze. You boost my ego in . . . other ways.**_

I had hoped the service here was fast. I couldn't stand sitting around here waiting, especially when he stared at me like that.

It wasn't good for my heart rate.

I looked around the restaurant, and felt a pang as I saw a young couple sitting close to each other, obviously in love. I wished that had been Jesse and me, instead of with . . .

'So Suze.'

I turned to look at him, but without actually looking. In fact, I was looking at the decoration just behind him. Apparently he wanted to attempt a conversation now. Well, let him try.

_**Okay, fine. If that's the way you want to play it . . . I can talk at you, Simon. **_

_**I smirked a little. 'So,' I said. 'How's that job that you came all the way to New York for? Good? I hope it's better than work for me at the moment . . . I have this case where I have to prove this guy's innocence. Kicker is, his case is that a ghost killed the victim in question. Ironic, wouldn't you say?'  
**_

I stared at him. I wasn't really sure if he was telling the truth, but if it was true, his case did sound interesting.

'How do you know that it was a ghost who killed the victim?' I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

_**I raised my eyebrows. 'I don't,' I said. 'I'm pretty sure he's not lying - no fool would honestly use that as a story and expect to get off with it.'**_

'He might be mentally unstable,' I shrugged.

_**'That's the other possibility,' I nodded. 'I mean . . . I thought my own brother was until I met you . . . I thought he just knew select things about me, and was copying me. Turns out he was the real deal, though.'**_

_**I tilted my head at her.**_

I stared at him, feeling angry all of a sudden. 'So when your brother said he can see ghosts, you immediately assume that he's crazy? Even though you can see them too? What a caring brother you are.'

I turned my head and fixed my gaze at the table besides us. Typical Paul.

_**I regarded her coolly. 'I'd never seen him show any sign of having the same ability as me, Suze. I had no reason to believe that he was a mediator.'**_

'Oh, so did I made a mistake in assuming that he actually told you that he can see ghosts? When in fact, he never mentioned it at all. Is that it?'

_**I really wasn't comfortable with this topic at all. Whatever I said would make me sound like an ass. Because yes, I did withhold certain information from my brother when we were younger . . . but that was none of Suze's business. And I cared too much about what she thought of me . . . **_

_**I shouldn't have. But I did.**_

_**I blinked slowly, before smiling. 'Oh look,' I said. 'Dinner's here.'**_

- 8 -

Thank God dinner was over. I didn't think I could stand his stares any longer. Especially with that look in his eyes that screamed 'I want you.'

Well, Paul, I don't want you.

I stood up and got my coat from behind the chair, careful to avoid his eyes.

_**I paid for the meal, and hurried behind her. In her ear, I whispered, 'What's the rush, Simon?'**_

I didn't reply, but pulled away instead. The farther away from him, the better.

Of course, that might be a little difficult seeing that I had to be in the same car with him.

And then I realised what he had just called me. Feeling my anger returning, I turned to him and spat, 'My name is NOT Simon.'

_**I smiled infuriatingly. 'Oh, what is it then?' I asked, 'De Silva? Suze . . . if you were really Susannah de Silva, I would not have been in HERE earlier today.'**_

_**And my hand brushed . . . well, go figure.**_

_**She shuddered, looking hurt. I went on, 'Oh, your name might LEGALLY be Suze de Silva. But morally? Not so much. You'll always be my Suze Simon.'**_

I gritted my teeth, itching to slap his stupid smug face. I tried not to think about the truth in his words and how much it hurt. I wanted to be angry because it would make me feel less...guilty.

'I am NOT yours. And I made a mistake being with you. It didn't reflect anything on my name, which is still, and will always be, Suze de Silva,' I said, trying my best not to yell in public.

_**'Try telling yourself that,' I smirked back at her, before walking ahead to my car.**_

'Well, you know it's true!' I said to his back.

I didn't make any move to follow him. Getting into a car with him after that? No thanks. Like I said, the farther the better.

_**I got to my car door, and laughed when I saw her still standing by the restaurant door, looking angry, upset and indignant. **_

_**'Come on,' I chuckled, 'I'll take you home, get in . . . '**_

'I think I'll take a cab,' I replied stiffly, before looking down the street for any signs of the usually ever-present taxis.

_**I leant against the car door, smirking.**_

_**I could wait...**_

He didn't say anything, but I didn't hear his car starting either. After a while I glanced back and saw, to my dismay, that he was still there. Standing against his car, his hands in his pockets like he was posing for a GQ magazine or something.

It did not help that Paul in black looked hella good. Irresistible and dangerous, and he reminded me of the cold professional assassins in the movies who went around killing people, except Paul Slater seems to be the type who goes around sleeping with people.

Shit, he caught me staring at him. Now he was smirking. I looked away, blushing horribly.

Why did he made me feel this way?

_**'Suze,' I repeated, finding this all so damned amusing, 'Get in the car.'**_

_**She looked completely torn. It made everything even funnier . . .**_

'No,' I snapped.

_**I raised my eyebrows in surprise, reigning back my laugh. 'Oh?'**_

_**She was always so immature . . . especially in situations in which she knew she was going to lose.**_

_**'Because if I have to drag you in here, I will,' I added, lacing my words with mild threat. 'Or, you know, I could just give my pal Jesse a call, and give him the lowdown on his wife's sexcapades over the past few days - '**_

My blood froze. I swear, I felt it FREEZE.

How could he? He wouldn't!

'You wouldn't!' I said, staring at him in shock. 'Even you wouldn't stoop that low!'

_**'I think that we've established how low I'd go where you're concerned,' I said innocently.**_

_**God, I love innuendo.**_

_**She heard THAT double-meaning loud and clear. **_

_Bastard_.

I slapped him.

It was the hardest I've ever slapped anyone, but it didn't feel enough. Not even CLOSE. I raised my hand to slap him again, but he caught it.

_**I snickered in her face. Her expression was priceless: rage, shock, guilt, shame, and torture. My cheek stung, but I didn't care. After I had her wrist in my hand, I leant her against the side of the car, jamming her hand beside her head, smiling down at her. **_

_**She looked, plainly, terrified.**_

Okay, so maybe I shouldn't have slapped him.

'Let go of me,' I hissed. Funny how it seemed like I was always saying that around him.

_**'I already did once,' I said down at her. 'I'm not going to do it again . . .'**_

'Are you aware that we are in PUBLIC?' I tried to shove him away.

_**I smirked. 'What's wrong, Suze? Scared someone'll . . . see?' I pressed against her harder and she gasped.**_

He was right, but I wasn't going to admit the fact that I was terrified that one of my colleagues would walk by and see me with this jerk, and decided to inform Jesse.

I would die. Just keel over and die.

I tried a different tack. 'If you don't let go of me, I will scream.'

_**'You know what I like,' I said softly. I didn't care who was watching. I didn't care about much anymore . . . **_

Oh God, this is not happening. It's like he's gone crazy...wait, isn't that how he's always been. Even at school he didn't care about anyone else who could be watching. As long as he got what he wanted.

What scared me was that if he kept going at this, soon I wouldn't care too.

His lips...so close, so inviting...and his hypnotic blue eyes...

I couldn't believe this was happening.

'Paul, if you let go of me, I'll get in the car with you. Okay?'

_**Personally, I didn't really mind either way. I was content to do her there and then.**_

_**But out of pure courtesy to her, I moved away from her obediently, smiling. **_

_**I love winning.**_

_**I'd shaken her up considerably, though. When she opened the passenger's car door, her hands were trembling a little. **_

I hated him. He ALWAYS gets what he wants. Why couldn't I get what I want for once?

A voice in my head reminded me that if I hadn't slept with Paul in the first place, none of this would have happened.

I slammed the door shut as hard as I could, hoping it will cause his car some damage. I was angry, and humiliated, and scared. I didn't think he was finished with me.

_**I loved this game . . . I loved how it seemed like it would never end . . . I knew it would, but while I was still playing the game, I was determined to enjoy it before everything crashed down. Because that was the only ending this situation would have; a bad one.**_

_**I'm not stupid. I can figure THAT much out.**_

_**But considering that bad ending was probably going to be worse off for de Silva, I was not exactly complaining. **_

_**And I'm not deluding myself into thinking that somehow, after all of this, Suze'd somehow be mine. As much as I wanted it, I knew I was kidding myself to even hope for it.**_

_**Once in the car beside her, I threw her a sideways look. She was staring down at her hands, her lips parted. Her hair shone in the light from the TGI sign beside my car. **_

The silence was deafening. I didn't dare to look at him, though. I felt like he could see right through me...and I was vulnerable to everything that he offered.

What was he offering? Sex? Why couldn't I just say no?

I must stop thinking before I get all teary. That would be the ultimate humiliation.

I kept my head down and stared at my hands. He didn't say anything too, and I was glad.

_**Since she wasn't exactly watching the road, it wouldn't hurt if I took her home a . . . different way, right?**_

_**I turned left instead of right at an intersection. She didn't notice. I smiled, and drove on slyly.**_

As soon as I get back to my hotel room, I will sleep. That was the best thing to do. Because when you're sleeping, you're not thinking...or feeling.

Everything is always alright in a sleep.

_**I checked her again to make sure that she wasn't looking up, before turning left into the entrance of the basement parking lot under the Marionette Hotel. I had the parking card due to my company always having conferences there, and I took out the card to bypass the payment booth.**_

_**That's when she looked up.**_

'Where the hell are we going?' I said before I could stop myself. I felt panicky, and damn right I should. We were in what seemed to be a FREAKING basement. 'You said you were going to take me home!'

_**I didn't even know what made me drive there . . . I just couldn't help myself. I wanted her so badly that it almost made me freakin' INSANE.**_

_**I parked the car in the corner of the underground parking lot, before turning to her.**_

My heart was pounding, and I did NOT like the look in his eyes. Oh I've seen it before, only the circumstances and PLACES were different.

'Paul!' I smacked his arm. 'Take me home, right now!'

I kept the anger in my voice, because fear was creeping up inside me. This was bad...

**_'Why?' I demanded, grabbing her wrist. 'We both know you don't want to be anywhere else but here . . . and besides, Suze, home? You consider that hotel to be home? Or do you mean you want to go back to Jesse? Because I honestly can't see why you would want to. You're obviously not HAPPY at home.'_**

'How the hell would you know what I want? Just because we've...we've...' I couldn't bring myself to say exactly what we did '...WHATEVER, you think you know me? You don't, Paul! And the hotel IS my home here!'

_**'Just because we've what, Suze?' I raised my eyebrows. 'Had sex? Come on, Suze, you're DOING it, surely you can SAY it.'**_

I swallowed painfully, feeling worse and worse each second. Of course it didn't seem like such a big deal to him, who probably screws girls on an hourly basis. Who was I to him, other than another conquest?

'Take me back to the hotel,' I panted.

**_'Huh?' I said angrily at her silence, 'What's wrong Suze, still in denial? Well, here's us in a nutshell. You're cheating on your husband with me, and fucking HELL, you're loving it.'_**

'Let go of me!' I pulled my hands from his iron grip. Or, tried to.

Shut up. SHUT UP. I wanted to block his words, but they were too loud, too true.

How the hell was I supposed to respond to something like that?

_**I loved it how she wouldn't even LOOK at me. She KNEW I was right. **_

_**'No,' I hissed at her. 'Actually, okay, yeah, I will. But first we're going to play a game. By my rules, of course. If I lose, I'll drive you back. But if I win . . . '**_

'Okay,' I said, breathless. I could win some stupid game, easily._**  
**_

_**What? Did she think I was talking about a staring competition, or something?**_

_**Oh, no. My game was simple: I kissed her, and if she responded, she was mine. If she didn't, she was Jesse's. And I'd drive her back to her damned hotel . . . **_

_**Of course, I wasn't going to make it some weak, crappy kiss.**_

_**No. I was going to have to hurt her in order to get what I wanted. **_

_**So I leaned over in my car seat, kissing her forcefully.**_

_**Sure, she screamed at me and told me to get the hell off of her. She hit me, and she cried out. Which was why I chose this location to start with. **_

Of course he would do this. THIS was what he had planned, to get me to be where he wanted and to give in to him.

Well, I won't. Which was why I fought him. Yeah, I screamed, I pushed, I pulled my head away from his poisonous lips. I must be strong. I couldn't...couldn't slip into his spell again.

_**I moved away from her, feeling the fire roaring inside me. I saw the horror in her eyes. But if she thought I'd given up, she was so wrong . . . **_

_**Instead, I crawled into the backseat swiftly, before grabbing her shoulders and dragging her there too. Again, she started screaming at me to stop. I can't tell you how many times she claimed to hate me. Oh, I bet she did . . . **_

_**I yanked her shirt up over her head, and she was still flailing, and begging for me to stop. When her shirt was off, I shoved her down against the car seat, kissing her deeply; forcefully; furiously.**_

'Paul, STOP IT!' I didn't know how many times I'd screamed those words, along with a few unprintables. I was scared of this aggressiveness that suddenly took over him, like he was possessed. He was never like this, not even when we.. did it the last time.

I tried to pull my hands away, maybe to slap him again, but his grip was unrelenting. As was his mouth on mine.

The problem with this fight was that when his hands started to feel every inch of my body, and his breath hot on my skin, it was hard to remember that I was SUPPOSED to fight.

Was this a game to him? To prove to me that he would win, every time?

_**She was doing everything she could to resist. And it was impressive, I guess, how long she lasted.**_

_**But I wanted her too badly for her to even stand a CHANCE. **_

_**And sure enough, after a few minutes, I'd found my Suze Simon again. . . **_

_**She couldn't get enough of me.**_

_**She was kissing back with forced that almost matched mine. I felt her nails digging into my shoulders. She was gasping, and moaning, and hating me, and loving how I made her feel . . .**_

_**All over again, I was intoxicated by her.**_

_**The thrill of winning electrified me. I kissed her relentlessly, my hands reaching for everything they could of her. **_

Hard to remember. Hard to think. Hard to breathe.

Easy to feel. Everything...

And despite what I tried to convinced myself, I WAS loving it, loving everything that he was doing to me. And it was wrong, like I already said, like I already knew, but when you're feeling like this...

There's nothing left to do but return it.

_**With a blur of kisses and hate and passion, I had her weak again. Staring down at her as I . . . ahem, it killed me to see the look of hurt in her eyes. As much as I disregarded it, I still hated seeing her like that. **_

_**She was in no position to argue with me anymore. Not when I had her at her most vulnerable. It was at this point that I had her defeated; totally incapable of fighting me away. **_

_**Hopefully, though, the pleasure drowned her pain.**_

There was no point in playing this game anymore. He would come up the winner every single time, and he knew it. And worse than that?

He knew that I knew it too.


	6. Shock

And here is another chapter of "Torrid."

This chapter is a great deal shorter than the others. But I tell ya, NEXT chapter's going to be a killer . . .

Love,

Lolly and Aina.

- 8 -

_**Pulling away from her after fifteen minutes of forever, I withdrew a deep, unfiltered breath. The car was stiflingly hot. I could barely breathe from the thick heat. Running shaky fingers through me hair, I grinned awkwardly. **_

_**That sure was . . . different.**_

_**Still coming down from the mind-numbing high I'd been on, I did my pants back up, wanting more than anything to do that all again.**_

_**It'd never been as intense as that before. I mean, sure, Suze got a little resistant every now and then, but I'd never had to push her as much as I did then. Every second moment, she'd been against it, pleading with me to stop. She told me that this all had to stop. It was getting out of control now, and it was going to come crashing down on the both of us if we kept kidding ourselves . . . **_

_**She was lying through her teeth. I didn't understand why she did that. Made excuses for the pleasure, I mean. What did she have against it? It was a life force that we ought to have been sucking in as much of it as we could get, NOT trying to deny its existence.**_

_**It didn't change the fact that, when I'd broken our connection, she was in a real state.**_

_**Not the hysterical kind, either. Nah, this one was even more unbearable to witness.**_

_**Silence. **_

_**Dead silence.**_

When he got up from me, it was like a cool wind had rushed in and covered my whole body. I had never felt more relieved.

And I had never felt more violated.

It was...indescribable. The emotions I was going through. Not that what just happened wasn't great, no. In fact, it was so good almost to the point where it was painful.

But this time it WAS painful. Because unlike the previous...encounters, I did not want this to happen. Not here. Not now. Not ever.

He was looking at me, expecting me to say something. But I couldn't move. I just lay there, feeling cold and numb.

After a few moments, I slowly rearranged my outfit and sat up. My mouth felt dry, like I've just eaten sandpaper. I couldn't think or say anything to erase the ringing silence.

And I didn't want to.

_**I mean, I knew silent treatment, where Suze Simon was concerned. But this . . . this was silence in an esoteric, new and deadly form. She couldn't stop staring at the steering wheel in the front seat. It didn't even seem like she was seeing it. Her eyes were glassy, and her lips were parted gently. There was what appeared to be mild fear on her face. **_

_**But, looking closer, I saw how deeply embedded the shock was . . .**_

_**Seeing that dead expression on her face made something weird happen to me. Suddenly, I guess the slightest sliver of what Suze had been going through the past few days, had transferred to me:**_

_**Guilt.**_

_**Her eyes . . . they were shocked. Like she couldn't believe what had just happened. How I'd . . . acted**_

_**And suddenly, even I knew that I'd crossed the line between anything consensual.**_

I wished he would stop STARING at me.

_**'Suze,' my voice sounded rusty after what we'd just done. I remembered how I'd been growling at her, TELLING her what she should have been feeling whenever she tried to refute it. **_

_**What did I want to say? An apology? Would my pride have ALLOWED that?**_

_**. . . No way.**_

_**It didn't matter, though. She ignored me.**_

What ELSE did he want from me? Did he want me to say, 'Oh Paul, that was great! Let's go for round two!'

Did he want me to THANK him for what he just did?

I sat and stared at the floor.

My name...the way he said it, hung in the air. It made my skin crawl.

I couldn't believe he did what he just did. Forcing me to...God, I felt so DIRTY. Like he had taken something away from me. He was always a little aggressive, but he has never forced me into having sex with him. I was always a little consensual, I admit it.

But today I wasn't. And yet he kept on at it...

That wasn't Paul. I don't know who is the person sitting next to me now. The person capable of such things.

_**Anxious, I reached over and touched her arm. She flinched, and looked at me quickly before shifting her gaze hastily.**_

I rubbed the place on my arm where he had just touched me. It felt…stained. God. I'm stained.

_**'Uh,' I said, now really struggling for words. How could I know exactly what to say all the time, except for where it really counted. 'I'll . . . take you home.'**_

_**Again, she didn't reply. She just sat there, behind the passenger seat, staring anywhere but in my direction.**_

_**With another deep breath, I struggled to fight off this new guilt that was pouring in from all directions, as if someone was flooding the car with toxic gas. **_

_**I exited the backseat, and stood outside the car for a second.**_

_**. . . What had I done? **_

_**Had I really lost control like that?**_

Leave. Just leave.

God, what was I talking about? I was in his car. I should be the one who's leaving.

But I couldn't make myself to open the door and get out. My limbs felt heavy, and I was just...beat. I felt like I was outside myself, looking down upon the Ugly, Bad Suze who had repeatedly cheated on her husband with the man he hated most.

I didn't think I could feel any more guilty than I already had, but this time, I've reached a whole new level of Guiltland.

_**Before the cold of the night began to wind its way beneath my clothes, I quickly got in the driver's seat, slamming the door loudly. I saw Suze flinch in the rear vision mirror above me.**_

I guess he's going to drive me back to the hotel. Good. At the state I'm in at the moment, I don't think I could handle anymore questions or fake conversations.

I clasped my hands on my lap, and felt my wedding ring. It sent a piercing, stabbing pain to my heart. It reminded me of everything that I had ever wanted...Jesse, a good marriage, a nice life.

But I had to go and screw it all.

For some reason my mind went back to our wedding day. It was, without a doubt the happiest day of my life. Everything I ever wanted came true that day.

When we had exchanged our vows, I felt like nothing could come between us. "To have and to hold, till death do us part." We'd beaten death, hadn't we? We had won.

The thought of Paul being bigger than death itself, making his way into my marriage with Jesse...it sickened me.

_**The urge to ask if she was okay, was growing overwhelmingly inside me. I guess I was too worried about what her answer would have been.**_

_**"No. I'm not. You went too far this time . . . "**_

**_If she said it, that would mean it was really true._**

I wanted to go home so badly. Not the hotel. Home. In Carmel.

New York suddenly seemed so ugly...so treacherous. Darkness and shadows lurked around the city, around the people gathered here.

Maybe I DID belong here.

_**Without saying a word, I drove to her stupid hotel. The drive was as frosty as it was painful. When the car stopped, it seemed like I'd jerked her out of some bad dream she'd been having, whilst staring at the back of the passenger seat. She looked small, and scared. Like I'd actually . . . hurt her, when we did what we did. I hadn't meant to. Not like this. Not that badly.**_

We had arrived in front of the hotel. I felt like I had to physically shake myself out of my trance and move myself. For a brief moment, my hand paused at the car door. There was a fleeting moment where I felt like saying something, or waiting for him to say something.

But I realised that all we had to say to each other, we already knew.

**_She got out of the car quickly, without a word. I hadn't expected one. Any hopes I'd had for any sentence from her lips that would ease the unprecedented GUILT that was taking me over, were shot when the door slammed closed. She ran up to the hotel's entrance, without a look back. _**

There was NO WAY I could even contemplate was just happened, because if I tried to, I think I would either start screaming, or crying, or both. I hated feeling this way, so ... helpless. And I didn't even know if Paul realised how far he had gone this time.

I ran through the lobby, ignoring the looks I received from the people at the reception. I knew I looked like terrible, my clothes rumpled, my hair all messed up, my face flushed. It was strange how the coldness of the hotel affected my body, making it feel like I just walked in on a fridge, but my face was still hot. Like it was burning.

Somehow I managed to reach my room, fumbled for my keys and entered the room. I stood there for a moment, unable to decide what to do. Dazed, confused. Lost.

And then all of a sudden, like a switch was turned on, I felt panicked. Panicked that if I stayed in NY any longer, I would be subjected to do things that I never thought I would do. And the person making the influences would be Paul. Of course.

Walking to my room, I paced around, my mind full of so many thoughts that I couldn't focus for a moment to think of what I was supposed to do. And then I saw my suitcase, and it all became clear.

I picked up the phone and dialed the travel agent at the airport. I needed to get out of NY. NOW.

I was put on hold. Okay. Breathe.

Breathe.

What was taking them SO long? God.

And then I felt the tears in my eyes, and wiped them away furiously. I didn't want to be crying. I needed to focus, to think of what to do next. Not crying like some loser. Loser who cheats on her husband.

A guy finally came on the phone. I told him where I wanted to go, but he didn't understand me through my sobs and stupid nasally voice. So I had to keep repeating what I said. How embarrassing.

Finally, though, I booked my flight to Carmel. The earliest one would not be tonight though. It would be at 8.30pm, the next day.

So as much as I hated it, I had to wait. The whole day tomorrow.

This was one of the times when I wished that I was rich, and could actually afford a private jet of my own. Yeah. THAT could come true any days now. Not.

I just hoped I wouldn't see HIM again before I left. Thinking of him made me feel sick with guilt again . . .

And the _next_ moment I was in the bathroom, literally being sick in the toilet bowl.

After a few minutes of disgusting puke, I flushed it away and went to the sink to wash my face. My face looked pale and ghostly in the mirror. I might have been looking at someone else.

But I was feeling much better, as if flushing away the vomit was equivalent to flushing away all the dirt that came when I had been with Paul. It could also have been due to the fact that I knew I wouldn't be staying here much longer. I would go home.

My work might not have been done, but I couldn't care about it at that moment. Staying here only meant I was giving in to Paul, and I think I'd given him enough to last a lifetime. Given enough that I feel as if a part of me erodes every time we did it. I've had enough of that.

When I felt calmer, I decided to give Jesse a call, to tell him that I'll be coming home tomorrow.

Thinking of him made me realise how much I'd missed him. I really did miss him. His laugh...his eyes...his scar on his eyebrow... his concern for me...

God, I hoped he NEVER found out what happened here. EVER.

I went back to the phone and dialed my house number. It rang a few times, before the answering machine picked it up.

I guessed he was still at the hospital.

_'Hello, this is Jesse and Susannah de Silva . . . what now, querida?'_

_' - Just keep talking!'_

_'Oh. It's . . .still recording?'_

_'Yes!'_

_'Uh . . . I don't know what to say - '_

_'Hey. Suze here. You know what to do. We'll get back to you. See ya!'_

'_Yes, and - and have a nice d – '_

_BEEP._

I froze, hearing his voice resonating in my ears. His voice...so deep, so warm...so unlike my chirpy one. And yet how strange the way our voices complement each other just fine.

I had to swallow and took a deep breath, composing myself, before I managed to speak. Even then, my voice sounded strained.

'Hi, Jesse. It's Suze here. Um...I just wanted to tell you that I'm coming home tomorrow...I'm, um, done with my work here early. So I'll be taking the 8.30pm flight to Carmel...just in case you want to pick me up. If you're not busy, that is...if you are, I can make my own way – '

What else should I say? I felt like I was holding back the tears at the very edge right now.

'So...that's all. Don't work too hard.'

Then, I added desperately, '_I love you.'_

And then I hung up.

_**As I saw the door slam behind her, I could do nothing but stare. My face was deadpan. I couldn't feel my fingers on the steering wheel, even. **_

**_And I felt sickened with myself._**

_**After a moment, a loud honk from a car behind me brought me back to the realm of the living, and I tore off into the night back to my apartment.**_

_**I was going way over the speeding limit. I knew that. However, my care for this fact was in the negative integers. Night's darkness blanketed the road's of New York, and I was barely seeing anything in front of my car. At this rate, I was going to have a freakin' accident.**_

_**But that was the effect she had on me. I could drive recklessly, risking my own life, and it suddenly wouldn't matter, because SHE didn't care . . . why should I?**_

_**She clouded my mind with her essence, and choked the life out of me. It seemed she WAS my life, now. My existence was merely to seduce and torture her, and give her what she craved so badly. **_

_**All other capabilities of mine seemed like secondary functions, when she was there. And when she wasn't, I still felt like her willing slave . . . **_

_**What I'd done, though, in the backseat . . . that HAD been too much. She had not reciprocated the same passion. She'd been too scared, this time.**_

_**My game had ended badly. **_

**_And yet still, I was drunk on her. I wanted to breathe her in, drink her, taste her, consume her, fulfill her, obey her, control her, touch her, love her, bury myself inside her . . . _**

_**Other times though, I hated every bone in her breakable little body.**_

_**How could a WOMAN do this to me? These emotions - these FEELINGS were new and horrible, and they killed me. **_

_**I wasn't used to this guilt. I had long ago silenced my conscience. A lawyer couldn't hear the little voice in his head going, "You KNOW he's guilty . . . just let him go to jail . . . "**_

_**No. I had to be completely neutral, and not allow stupid, futile things like emotions to rule my capable mind.**_

_**But SUZE, she - GOD. What she DID to me, she'd never fully realise. She'd never even have a CLUE of the pain, and the hunger that she stirred within the darkest, neglected corners of my soul.**_

_**Suddenly, I shoved the breaks on, seeing I was home. Exiting the car as if on autopilot, I hovered up to my room in a complete state of guilt. **_

_**GUILT. **_

_**Once at my door, I had to remember what I was supposed to do next.**_

_**. . . Oh yeah. Unlock the door. I - I could do that . . . **_

**_Ten minutes later, I was drowning myself in the hapless savior that was Jack Daniels. However, once AGAIN screwing up because all I could think about was her, I started swearing my head off._**

_**THE CASE TOMORROW.**_

_**Shit!**_

_**I had to get George Palmer off for the murder of his stupid daughter . . . he didn't do it, but I didn't know how to get him off without showing I believed in the supernatural. I was stuck.**_

_**Under any other circumstance of law, I'd be MORE than able to lie, cheat, and trick my way into winning. **_

_**But this . . . now . . . when I couldn't think straight . . . I was gone.**_

_**And the fucking liquor wasn't helping, either.**_

_**Loathing her and wanting to smash every inch of her until she could no longer make me FEEL like this, I drunkenly started with my court preparations. **_

_**It was useless, but if I lost the case tomorrow to that PRICK, Alex Ormond . . . I'd be a freakin' laughing stock. George Palmer was a HIGH PAYING client. I got this case because I was notorious for finding outrageous loopholes to getting my clients off.**_

_**. . . Not now, though. Not while she blinded me.**_

_**Dead beat, my head slumped forward on my desk in the mess of papers, and I was gone.**_


	7. Almost

Sharky : For all the JFCers that are reading this story, all I can do is give a quote by Arwen Undomiel...'There is still hope.'

Lolly: Ha! Not bloody likely!

Sharky : Quote Snape - 'Silence!'

Lolly: Silence is gooden, but noise is FUN.

Therefore, screams from EVERYONE.

See? I can RHYME at 3am.

Sharky : GOODEN? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Lolly: . . . THREE IN THE MORNING, PEOPLE. OKAY?

- 8 -

I woke up the next morning feeling like crap. My eyes were puffy, and my hair looked like a replica from a Star Trek character from where I slept on my side. I didn't even change my clothes that I wore yesterday, having fallen asleep after the phone call to Jesse.

I wanted to continue sleeping the whole day so BADLY. Waking up and going to work was the least thing I wanted to do.

But I had to. There was no way I could just leave without at least completing one of my assignments, and informing my supervisor. I mean, I didn't want to go back to Carmel and find out that I'd lost my job.

So I did.

I went to the office, completed my project as well as I could - although it was way below my usual best work, but Mr Dunningham would have to deal. I did feel bad about it – Elsie had pushed SO many buttons to get a deal with him . . .

Oh well. Couldn't be helped now.

I sheepishly told Elsie that I was leaving because New York was making me feel under the weather. She seemed very disappointed that I was going and also a little in my submitted work, but said she understood. Thank God.

When it was finally time to leave, I quickly gathered all my stuff from the office and took a taxi back to the hotel. As soon as I reached my room, I dumped all the stuff on the bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower.

Half an hour later, I was halfway into my packing when a thought struck me. I pushed it away uneasily, but it kept coming back.

Shaking my head, I continued folding my clothes and arranging them into the suitcase. I wondered if he...what was I thinking? No.

I took my cosmetics bag and slipped it into the suitcase as well. Some of my clothes were still in the cupboard, but again I went back to thinking about that thing that was bothering me. God.

I had to decide.

_**By five o'clock that shitty day, I was back in my apartment, wanting to swim in liquor once more. Scotch. Or a whiskey, maybe. After THAT day, I needed all the alcoholic help I could get.**_

_**The day had started off as badly as it had ended. I'd woken up with a mild hangover that instantly hung as a dark cloud over my already doomed court case.**_

_**My fears did not disappoint. Ormond walked into the courthouse looking everything that highly paid lawyer should be. His smarmy, son-of-a-bitch air made me want to beat the living shit out of him right in front of Judge Kennedy.**_

_**I, uh, didn't though.**_

_**From the moment the court came to be in session, everything just kept going wrong. I stumbled on my words, forgot what I was supposed to be arguing, ended up almost falling asleep next to George Palmer, who was FURIOUS with my unprofessionalism, and long story short . . . I lost the case.**_

_**Appallingly.**_

_**I mean, if there was a Hall of Shame for badly lost cases, mine would knock the wall over.**_

_**I mean, I didn't even TRY. My heart wasn't in it. I just looked at Palmer, sneered at the situation he'd gotten himself into, and didn't care.**_

_**All I thought of was her.**_

_**. . . She was ruining me. Undoing me. Crumbling me . . . **_

_**I had tried to lie about my clients location at the time of death of the allegedly murdered victim, all I kept seeing in my head, was Suze. Her face. Her hair. Her body. Her eyes. **_

_**It was all I could think about.**_

_**It was making my hands shake, and my voice weak. I'd lost, due to lack of focus. And it was ALL HER FRIGGING FAULT.**_

**_So when I was at home, craving her more than oxygen, sitting defeatedly in front of the Plasma screen._**

_**Nothing like idiotic torture to drown out the shame of the day . . .**_

I paced around the hotel room, tearing myself apart over what I had to do. My flight would be leaving in 3 hours, and I needed to be there in half an hour. Yet I hadn't even finished packing, because I had been thinking about this stupid matter, which I really shouldn't have been thinking about.

I didn't know whether I should call Paul and tell him that I was leaving.

Sighing, I sat down on the bed, looking at the phone on the end table. A part of me kept saying to myself that I SHOULD tell him, considering what we had been doing recently. What we had done, whether I wanted them to happen or not. And most of the time, I wanted them to happen.

But another part was saying that he doesn't HAVE to know if I was leaving or not. He didn't own me. Nor did I owe him anything.

The plane ticket was lying on the bed besides me. My way of escape. As relieved as I was to know that I would be leaving soon, I was still afraid that he would found out about me and try to stop me.

But why would he? I didn't think he cared about me as much I seemed to think. All he wanted was to sleep with me. And he did. So there was nothing left for him to take from me.

He DID save me from that basement ghost. And as much as I hated to admit it . . . he did make me feel wanted. After so long . . .

Should I? What if he got mad? What if he tried to stop me? What was the worst thing that could happen?

I figured it was nothing I couldn't handle. He should know what was coming anyway. I was married to Jesse. No matter what happened, I wasn't going to leave him for Paul.

No way.

So taking a deep breath, I picked up the phone and started to dial his number.

It started to ring, and my pulse skyrocketed. Suddenly I felt my heart thumping and I had to take a few more breaths to calm myself. It would be nothing, I told myself. Nothing at all.

Yeah, right.

_**The ringing of my cell phone made me jolt. Turning off the stupid mindless television, I jammed my hand in my pocket to retrieve the buzzing nuisance. Pissed off, I greeted the caller with an accusatory, 'What?'**_

I flinched at his obviously angry voice. Half my mind was telling me to hang up, but his cell phone, being like all cell phones, had caller ID. He would just call me back.

So I braced myself and said tentatively, 'Paul?'

_**I sat up straight, suddenly VERY conscious of who was on the other line. My tone softened, and I stopped glaring hatefully at the muted TV. **_

_**' . . . Suze.'**_

_**She was calling me? After . . . after what happened last night? She wanted me to come over after THAT?**_

_**Shit. There IS a God.**_

_**That was when my heart began it's tell tale thumping. I felt like I was the one on trial now. I knew why, too.**_

_**. . . I loved Suze.**_

_**Sick, isn't it? Love is NOT forcing yourself on them in the backseat. I didn't think a jackass like me knew HOW to love.**_

_**My mind began whirling. I loved this girl. I hated her. I wanted her. I wanted to kill her. Such a clash of strong emotions for one woman . . . **_

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the way his voice suddenly changed, from mad as hell to soft and . . . seductive. I didn't think he planned for it to sound that way, but it just did. Stupid charming voice.

'Yeah . . . it's Suze. Well, I just called to tell you that I'm . . . ' Breathe. 'I'm . . . leaving New York. Tonight. I've finished my work here and . . . I'm leaving.'

Breathe out. There. It was over.

_**Everything in my vision suddenly slid out of focus. I went cold all over.**_

_**No. She didn't just say - no way. She was kidding. Threatening. She wasn't . . . she wouldn't DARE - **_

_**She would.**_

_**'You're leaving,' I echoed tonelessly.**_

_**Deny it . . . tell me you're lying, Suze . . .**_

He sounded . . . strange. "Yeah. I'm leaving," I clarified, firmer this time.

I waited in the long, agonizing silence for his response again.

_**There was a moment of murderous silence. It killed me. The full impact of my relationship with Suze hit me there and then.**_

_**She's married . . . she's . . . temporary . . . she's not yours, Slater . . . **_

_**I didn't care. I didn't want to care. I just wanted her. I didn't want to believe the poison that she spoke.**_

_**'Why?' I asked in a stiff tone, after what seemed like forever. It was as if the answer that I knew perfectly well, was gone from my mind, and I demanded to know a new one that would satisfy the sudden ice-cold horror that was brewing within me.**_

_**She COULDN'T be leaving . . . **_

I could lie and told him that crap about work again. Or I could tell him the truth and let him know the REAL reason that I was leaving. Which was that I was scared of him, scared of what was happening between us.

In the end, I chickened out. 'I told you. I finished my work here.'

It didn't sound convincing even to my ears . . .

_**It was as if she was shouting from a million miles away, and the sound had to travel for many, many hours to finally reach me.**_

_**And even then, the words did not process to my brain straight away.**_

_**But when they did . . . the horror that was there at first was soon replaced by a hot, red fire that started burning and scorching me from the inside, out.**_

_**'Oh,' I said, in a would-be light tone. My words were hard and cold. 'You're done here then, are you?'**_

_**She knew perfectly well that I was not referring to her "work."**_

I couldn't speak for a moment, registering his words which were obviously NOT referring to my work. The implication was clear. And that was enough to make my face heated up.

I gripped the phone, reminding myself that I was not the one to blame. He was the one who started it. And I will be the one who will end it. As simple as that.

'Yes, Paul. I'm done here,' I told him, managing to keep my voice even.

Then without waiting for him to reply, I said again, 'Goodbye' and hung up.

_**She . . . was done here.**_

_**She'd finished with me.**_

_**She no longer wanted to play with me anymore. She wanted to go play with her old toy again. The one who bored the life out of her.**_

_**She was giving ME up . . . for HIM.**_

_**When I heard the gentle click of her hanging up, I fell into a stunned silence. Icy, clenching moments of denial passed.**_

_**And then, suddenly, the rage erupted, fully-fledged.**_

_**A killer emotion was provoked within me, triggering pain like I'd never known. I stood up, and, possessed by the pure, gripping fury, I hurled the God damned phone at the wall. The plastic shattered like I wanted to shatter her. I started breathing hard, and it was as if my world was blood-stained.**_

_**All I saw was red.**_

_**No.**_

_**NO WAY.**_

_**NO FUCKING WAY. Did she think I'd GIVE UP ON HER AGAIN? She was NOT getting away from me again. Not after this. Not after I KNEW how she FELT now. How I MADE her feel! **_

_**How DARE she! **_

_**No way. She wasn't going anywhere . . . she couldn't escape me that easily.**_

_**It felt like a hot, life-ignorant hand had been jammed into my chest, and was now mutilating my vital parts. I almost couldn't breathe from the fury. It was intoxicating me like alcohol never could. Only SHE could ever intoxicate me like that.**_

_**What was she going to do? Just GO back to de Silva like THIS HAD NOT HAPPENED?**_

I sat and stared at the phone long after I'd hung up. It was final. I was leaving.

Finally, I let out the breath that I'd been holding for so long. I felt relieved. I felt free. I even managed a little smile.

There was something nagging at me, and I realised that some part of me was terrified that Paul would actually follow me back to Carmel and tell Jesse everything. Even the possibility of that made me feel like my heart would stop.

But I figured that it was unlikely. Why would Paul go through all that trouble? It wasn't as if he actually wanted ME. More like my body.

Oh well. That was over and done with. In a few hours, I would be in a plane leaving NY and all of these would be nothing more than a bad memory.

. . . Right?

I got up and started to pick up my clothes, realising that I needed to hurry if I was going to make it to the check-in time.

_**There was NO WAY she was leaving on THAT goodbye . . . **_

_**And then, I was no longer in control. Some demonic force overtook me, entrapping my mind with suffocating roars of unidentifiable words. I wasn't ready to let her go. I'd known this would come, but I had no idea that it would be this soon.**_

_**I certainly had no idea that it would kill me like it did then.**_

_**Clenching my jaw and my fists simultaneously, I jammed my eyes shut, and thought of her. Usually, I didn't materialise unless the situation was extremely necessary. I'm no fool. I knew the dangers of shifting too frequently. **_

_**However, it was not my mind that forced me to do it, but this unrelenting rage that was taking its cataclysmic toll on me . . .**_

_**With the ghostly soft sounds of materialisation, I was there in her hotel room, that looked like it had been hurriedly emptied. Her back was toward me. She was packing a suitcase that was on her bed. That was yet another punch in the stomach.**_

_**. . . This WASN'T a joke, then.**_

I heard the rustling of someone materialising and groaned. No, not now. Not when I'm about to LEAVE, for God's sakes. Don't they understand the meaning of time?

I guess not, being dead and all.

So I sighed and turned around to face a possible New Yorker of a ghost, when I was greeted instead by the sight of the least person I wanted to see then. No, make that the least person I wanted to see, period.

My stomach dropped to the abyss.

_**As she spun around, she had an air of weariness about her. However, the second that she caught sight of my tall form, her delicate features froze in alarm, as if she would have screamed.**_

_**'You can NOT be leaving,' was the first thing that had come out of my mouth. It came out as some sort of passionate threat that I couldn't control. I took a menacing step towards her, my lip curling hatefully.**_

SHIT.

I knew I should have called him from the airport! He wasn't angry from where I was looking. He was PISSED OFF. And that could only mean I was in DEEP trouble.

Taking a step back, my leg bumped against the bed. I was trapped.

Okay, don't panic. Just talk to him . . . try and reason with him.

'Paul . . . you have to understand . . . ' Right, that was lame.

_**She stood there, alone, looking completely helpless. She'd completely stiffened, and her shoulders were hiked right up as if I were holding her at gunpoint, and she'd just provoked me to shoot. One of her arms was frozen at her side, her hand clawing the air, and other was subconsciously reaching behind her, like she was desperately searching for some means of defense. **_

_**There was nothing there to save her.**_

From me.

_**'Understand WHAT?' I spat at her, advancing on her once more. I laughed coldly, my cynicism entwining heatedly with the rage, 'That you're going to FLY back to Latino Land like nothing ever happened?'**_

I flinched involuntarily against his words. I was scared then, more scared that I have ever been in his presence. What was I supposed to DO?

Focusing to keep my breathing even, I made another attempt to talk to him. 'Look, Paul . . . you know that this would happen eventually. I'm MARRIED. So yes, I would go back to Jesse, even if . . . something did happen between you and me.'

_**'What even makes you think he'll take you back?' I cocked my head.**_

_**For a single, horrible moment, the very thought of her disgusted me beyond all previous occurrences of revulsion. This . . . WOMAN, was despicable. **_

_**And she was trying to slip away from me . . .**_

It hurt, what he said. But I knew he was just trying to make me feel bad about myself . . . made me feel like I didn't deserve Jesse. Well, he may be right, but I also deserve a second chance.

'He'll take me . . . because he loves me,' I said simply, hoping that it was the truth.

**_'Yes,' I contorted my face in my disgust of her and her "love", 'A nice way of saying that you aren't going to tell him . . . but don't worry, Suze. You'll tell him one day. The guilt will kill you until then. And don't think he'll call you "querida" anymore after you've mentioned what you did whilst in New York. Or, more correctly, _who**

_**I saw her hands and her lips visibly start shaking. She looked on the edge of tears. My words were hitting home, and they were tearing her apart. **_

_**She was hearing the truth, and by GOD, I was NOT sugar-coating it.**_

No, I won't tell him. I won't tell Jesse, even if it killed me. That's what I wanted to say to Paul, but I couldn't. The words were stuck in my throat, choking me into desperate silence.

Then the words that did come out turned out to be something entirely different. 'Look . . . this whole thing was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened.'

_**This whole situation was a sick, boiling, entangled, screaming mass of deadly sin. It was bigger than the both of us; bigger than the old love triangle between me, her and him. This was out of control now . . . I was out of control.**_

_**'Damn it, Suze!' I snarled, 'That has nothing to do with it. It DID happen. So what are you going to do about it? Run from me? I'm in your system, now. You want me as much as I want you. You NEED me, now. You can't go back to HIM, now that you know what he CAN'T give you!'**_

_**Why didn't she UNDERSTAND this?**_

I was scared of him. Terrified. But for some reason what he said struck a nerve, and I felt the touches of anger reaching out from the inside.

'Paul, you don't KNOW me! Just because we had sex doesn't mean you can determine what I want or what I need. You CAN'T!' I cried out to him, feeling as if all my feelings were bubbling to the surface.

I wondered if I made a mistake the second the words left my mouth.

**_'I know you better than you know yourself,' my voice dropped to a volume that was now deadly quiet. 'I know you better than HE knows you. I know what you need. I know that he's not giving it to you. God, Suze, do you think I would have even bothered with you if you didn't _NEED_ it?' _**

_**I moved closer to her suddenly, and her knees momentarily buckled like she'd been about to run.**_

'No . . . ' I swallowed, feeling like all the anger and bravery that I had just now had left me. I preferred it when he was angry and shouting at me, rather than this quiet, unnerving way.

But I gathered all the courage I had left and said slowly, 'I don't NEED you, Paul. Now please. Leave me alone.'

_**Her beautiful green eyes didn't look so beautiful, suddenly.**_

_**Not when she was saying these things . . . **_

He stopped and stared at me, his clear bue eyes unreadable.

I turned around and pretended to rearrange my clothes in the suitcase, painfully aware of his presence just a few feet away behind me. 'It's over, okay, Paul? This is over,' I continued.

I hoped to God that he would get the signal and LEAVE.

_**I didn't accept that. **_

_**The rage, before that moment, had taken an almost underlying quality. But at her words that dripped with finality, it came rushing back, filling my every inch with the pumping, hot, corrosive poison that urged me to act upon my instincts.**_

_**Which I did.**_

_**Marching up behind her and shoving her stupid suitcase clean off the bed, my hands pushed her shoulders VERY forcefully, and she sprawled across the bed, face first, with a yelp of shock.**_

_**My fingers continued till that'd seized her wrists, as I pinned them above her head. My knee came between her thighs, and I leant down, hissing wrathfully in her ear, 'That's not good enough.'**_

_**She tried getting her hands free of mine, but I did not relent. Instead, I moved my knee once more, and dragged her around so she was facing me. Her eyes were wide, and her lips were trembling. She looked terrified.**_

_**Ha. I wasn't going to fall for that look again . . . it was old now.**_

_**'You can't go,' I told her, releasing one of her wrists so I could slide my hand up her sides, touching her in all the places she loved and hated all at once. 'You're not leaving.'**_

No, this was not happening AGAIN.

My heartbeat racing, I tried to push him away. It didn't work, and I almost cried out in despair.

Then he released one of my hands, and I saw my opportunity to be free. So I punched his face, as hard as I could.

_**Her fist came out of no where. Wow. I didn't know she still had it in her.**_

_**She was a LOT stronger than she looked. When I felt the distraction of pain just my temple, I think I reacted in the opposite manner to how she'd hoped. **_

_**I laughed down at her, still hating her. **_

'_**Cute,' I said.**_

_**Then, playing fire with fire, I rested my hand very heavily on her chest. She wheezed out, still looking alarmed that I had not reacted in pain. I then dragged my hand very forcefully downward, pressing against her skin. As I passed her breasts and reached her stomach, she shuddered, jammed her eyes shut, and turned her head, exposing her neck. **_

_**Her chest was rising and falling quickly from her panicky, fearful breaths.**_

_**When my hand ventured further past her stomach, dipping defiantly into her pants, her eyes snapped open again, and she screamed in a strangled way.**_

_**. . . She wasn't expecting THAT.**_

I grabbed at his offending hand, feeling like I would die from this mix of pain and pleasure. I didn't want it . . . I didn't want any of it . . .

But he didn't seem to understand that, if the way he leaned over my neck was any indication. I tried to edge away but his grip was too strong. I tried to punch him again, but he caught my hand this time.

'Stop it!' I suddenly screamed at him, catching even myself in surprise. '_Uhhhh_ . . . '

**_It was as if I had my hands around her neck, and was choking the life out of her. She was struggling urgently for breath, and she was shaking uncontrollably. She looked unreceptive to my fingers, which were working forcefully inside her. It was as if she didn't know how to handle such unexpected pleasure._**

_**As typical of me, I did not yield. In fact, I moved further, until she was squeezing her thighs together against my hand, and was trying to pull my wrist away again. **_

_**She gave up after a second though, collapsing back, just shaking . . .**_

I had given in. I couldn't believe it, but I had given in, even under that circumstances.

My head was dizzy from the clashing emotions and urges inside of me . . . it was too much. The moment the waves subside, I felt heat rushing to my face as I realised what just happened.

_**I was angry. That anger had channeled itself into action. And that action fought against any guilt that even CONSIDERED showing up at that point in time. Her eyes looked up into mine, before she closed them again, and drew a choked breath.**_

_**I just wanted to own her . . . why did HE get to keep her? It wasn't FAIR. He didn't USE her often enough. I wanted her for ME.**_

_**She'd be FINE if she was with ME.**_

_**I withdrew my fingers from her, and shot her a twisted smirk.**_

_**'I think you're going to unfortunately miss your flight . . . '**_

I wanted to slap him, but I didn't have enough energy. I could only lay there, feeling helpless, and exposed. I hated what he was doing to me, the feelings he was evoking . . . and yet I wanted him to continue. This indecision was killing me.

'Why are you doing this?' I whispered, my mouth dry. 'You know that my life is not here . . . what we have . . . it's _not real_.'

But I had to stop him, for both of our sakes.

_**'Your life?' I laughed bitterly, 'Your life is shit, Suze. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be here. You wouldn't have let me have you. This wouldn't have started, if you hadn't let on how badly you wanted this to happen. This IS real,' I corrected, 'Despite how much you'd like it not to be. This IS happening.'**_

_**Having her beneath me, panting like that, turned me on to no end. She looked worn out. **_

**_I released her wrists - she wasn't going to be punching me again any time soon - and cupped her face with that hand. Then, lowering myself further against her, I started slowly dragging my mouth chillingly across her soft skin. Then, throwing more wood into the fire, I began palming her firm breasts, kissing her throat in increasing desperation._**

_**Her hands unknowingly came around my shoulders. After a few moments though, she brought them against my forearms, and tried very hard to push me off of her.**_

'I don't CARE what you say,' I struggled to speak through the confusing haze of hate and passion for him. It wasn't fair, the way his kisses were poisonous enough to cloud my thoughts. I felt suffocated, but ashamedly, not of the terrible kind.

'I'm not giving up my life for _you_, no matter _what_ you do . . . ' I trailed off distractedly as I felt his hot tongue on my sensitive skin. I could feel the shivers ran down to my belly, and I had to fight from allowing him to do whatever he pleased.

I regained some of my sense and spoke quickly before I got carried away even further. 'Don't do this, Paul. It won't end the way you want to.'

_**I pulled away from her, and glared fiercely into her emerald eyes. I didn't want to hear that. **_

_**I could already feel the reactions that I was triggering. She was still dizzy from when I'd touched her . . . there. It must have been hard for her to think straight - it looked like this was so.**_

_**Her gaze was locked on mine. She was pleading with me, trying to be rational in a situation that was anything but. **_

_**Then, deciding to ignore her words, I started unzipping her pants, breathing heavily.**_

I freaked out. Grabbing at his hand, I started to sit up at the same time, wishing so bad that I could stop what now seemed inevitable.

And then the strangest thing happened. Instead of trying to push him away, I gripped his shoulder with my other hand and looked into his eyes.

'Paul. Don't,' I pleaded.

_**Her voice shook in pure, raw fear as she said that.**_

_**For a second . . . a dangerous second . . . I completely stopped, as my fury wavered. The guilt I'd felt started scraping at my eyes once more, and I just went completely still. **_

_**However, that moment passed quickly. Angry that she'd made me FEEL like that again, I glared at her and smirked angrily. **_

_**I yanked down her pants as if they couldn't come off fast enough. She jolted as if I'd stabbed her or something.**_

_**'What?' I said hotly, pressing her down further, 'Scared, Suze? It's not anywhere we haven't BEEN before, in case you forgot. You can't just start this, and not END it. Not with a stupid goodbye. It doesn't work like that. You're in it deep now, Suze. And so am I.'**_

"I'm not scared!" I hissed, even though I was almost choking with fear. "And I wasn't the one who started it. You DID. Don't try to put the blame on me!"

I tussled against his wild hands again, wishing that I could call for help. Any help.

_**'Suze, Suze, Suze . . . ' I chided. 'If you hadn't wanted this to start, you would have stopped me. But you didn't. You allowed this to happen, because you wanted it. All I'll guilty of, is giving you what you wanted.' **_

_**With that, I took it up a notch or ten, kissing her so deeply that she started moaning into my mouth.**_

_**Her tongue, at first resistant, began wrestling with mine. I bit her lower lip, and she trembled beneath me. Returning to the heat of the kiss, my one of my hands began pulling my belt off hurriedly, before undoing my trousers.**_

_**I broke from the kiss, kicking them off, before coming back to her lips hard. My hands were smoothing the insides of her thighs, and her legs shuddered.**_

This was wrong, my mind repeated over and over again. But he was kissing me so deeply, so desperately that it almost made me believe that he wanted me more than just someone to screw with. That there was something more.

Who was I trying to fool? How could Paul Slater feel anything other than lust?

Without realising, I started to respond to his kiss and almost lose myself in the heat of the moment. The insane reactions my body was emanating to him. Like he was answering all of my prayers.

That thought would have made me laugh if I wasn't too busy trying not to moan out loud from his touch on my bare skin.

Stop it, I said silently. But I didn't even know if I really wanted him to stop.

_**Oh, the satisfaction I got when she responded . . . **_

_**At last.**_

_**I tore my lips from hers, my hot breath on her cheek. I stared down into her eyes intensely, before pushing her further up on the bed so her legs weren't dangling over the side anymore. **_

_**. . . Forty seconds later, she was lying beneath me, paralyzed. Her mouth was open in a scream of silence and - though she wouldn't readily admit it - pleasure.**_

_**She was still shivering. It was her own damned fault.**_

_**I held her wrists with a possessive constriction. The look she was giving me was tearing up something inside me, like I'd betrayed her in some huge way.**_

_**I guess I had.**_

_**I arched her against me, gripping her body into mine, and - indeed, mine into hers. She buried her face against my neck, stifling her moans. I could feel her fingernails scraping along my back.**_

It was as if our long battle had come to an end . . . and I had lost.

_Terribly_.

I was breathing hard, not daring to look at him, knowing the look he would give me would make me feel like hell. But the moment he grabbed my body, it was as if all rational thoughts had left my mind.

Half-wanting him, half-hating him, I ended up holding him anyway. His back felt strong, muscular and scandalously hot under my hands, and his body radiated strength . . . the way a man would.

A man and a woman. Giving into our desires. Was that all we were?

_**She was almost there . . . I could feel her . . . we were almost there . . .**_

I closed my eyes against the building intensity of what was eventual.

_**Then, spilling over the edge of sanity, reason, and life itself, we both were suddenly both free-falling, holding each other as if upon letting go, we'd lose ourselves to this severe passion, and we'd be trapped there forever.**_

_**Maybe it would have been better to stay there. With her. In that single moment that all the pain of her reality was finally forgotten in favour of feeling.**_

_**She'd forgotten how much she hated me. She'd forgotten how powerless she was beneath me. She'd forgotten her vile betrayal, and she'd sure as hell forgotten her husband who was a hundred miles away, not suspecting a thing . . . **_

**_I wanted it to last. Just that moment of nothingness and intense, gripping lust that sparked the deepest and most desperate desire within me. _**

_**But it didn't last.**_

**_After I'd stopped feeling numb, I could finally hear her panting hard in my ear. She was shivering from me. Her arms felt so fragile as they held me to her._**

_**Tired out, I fell on top of her, and then rolled the both of us over so we were on our sides.**_

**_'Yeah,' I breathed rustily after a second, 'You _definitely_ missed your flight.'_**

The feeling of ecstasy and abandon didn't last as long as I had hoped, and soon I was back on earth, back to the fact that I was still the loser, and the fact that the man I was with wasn't my husband.

All of the realisations came crashing down onto me like a splash of cold water, and I barely heard what he was saying. All I could feel was . . . .pure misery.

And then, all of a sudden, I started crying. Just like that. Tears pooled in my eyes and dropped to my cheeks.

I felt empty, regretful. So much for wanting to leave everything behind . . . I couldn't even catch a DAMN flight.

_**I frowned, confused.**_

_**Against my chest, her erratic breathing patterns changed greatly. Her breaths were irregular, now. Not to mention, I could feel a trickle of wet down my skin.**_

_**I drew away from her, curious as to what was going on. However, my heart tugged horribly when, JUST before she hid her face in shame, I saw her eyes sparkling with tears.**_

_**Shit.**_

_**I wasn't angry with her, now . . . I didn't hate her. I didn't want to break her anymore.**_

_**Although, it was starting to look like I finally had.**_

_**I swallowed, running my fingers along her back. 'Don't cry,' I said softly. **_

_**Even THAT sounded like an order.**_

I swallowed, felt like a sob was fighting itself out, and swallowed again. I didn't WANT to cry. But I was feeling so vulnerable . . . and guilty. The worse part was, he knew I was crying and was now trying pathetically to make me stop.

'I . . . don't..' I sobbed, meaning for him to stop trying to comfort me. Nothing he could say can give me any comfort.

_**If Suze had ever truly been powerless . . . vulnerable . . . it was now.**_

_**I didn't know what to do. Her ambiguous two words didn't tell me anything. 'Don't cry,' I whispered again uselessly, before pulling me back into me. She came without a fuss, cuddling her arms around herself in protection. I held her as comfortingly as I could, stroking her hair gently.**_

_**I could still feel her back shaking from the sobs, though. **_

_**She was so small, in my arms. So . . . broken.**_

_**I guess I'd played with this toy too much, now.**_

I thought I couldn't be consoled. But as hard as it was to believe, his actions did. I let him put his arms around me, and imagined that it wasn't him, but someone else. Someone that I truly loved.

Someone who I didn't know if I could ever go back and face without falling into a mess of guilty tears.

_**Suddenly, I felt revolted with myself. Had I REALLY shown her that little respect, that I'd reduced her to this?**_

_**'Shhhh . . . ' I tried soothing her cluelessly, still tickling her back. Her sobs stopped. I shifted a little, and tilted her face so it was facing mine. She wouldn't look at me, as if seeing my face would break her momentary calm.**_

_**Then, as gently as I possibly could - a harsh contrast from my more recent actions - I kissed her.**_

I closed my eyes and let myself be kissed. Why not? Wasn't the one who was kissing me the man I love?

It was so easy to close my eyes and tell myself things that I knew weren't true . . . just because I didn't have to be faced with the cold, hard truth.

_**She was kissing back, but barely. It was as if she didn't have the energy.**_

_**Hardly astonishing, considering what I'd just put her through.**_

_**My kiss was still one of attempted solace. I felt her fingers curl faintly against my face. **_

_**However, the moment I did stop kissing her, she started breathing very quickly. Within the next few seconds, she was practically hyperventilating. **_

_**'Suze,' I said quickly, 'Suze, calm down - '**_

No, no, no . . . .

Reality slapped me in the face, and I panicked, belatedly realising that it wasn't Jesse who I was with. Who I was kissing. It was PAUL.

I mumbled something incoherent, and tried to push him away again. I didn't want him . . . not him . . .

_**'Suze,' I kissed her again. She was wearily resisting, still freaking out. She seemed poised to start crying again. With the kiss, she went silent. And weak. 'Shhhh . . . ' I pressed my mouth against hers. 'Come on . . . '**_

_**Then, hoping that I had her vulnerable enough still, I went on kissing her softly before murmuring against her lips, 'Leave him, Suze . . . let me take you away from him.'**_

'No . . . ' I croaked, my voice rusty and painful. 'Not Suze . . . '

It's Susannah . . . my head was aching, and I just wanted to sleep. But I couldn't, not with him still here . . . .

'Go away . . . '

_**'Come on, Suze . . . ' I muttered quietly in her ear, enticing her one last time, 'Say that you'll stay with me . . . '**_

My eyelids felt heavy, but I still wanted to fight him. I didn't know why, but I just felt like I had to . . .

'Stay with me,' he said.

'Nooooo . . . ' I responded, almost closing my eyes fully.

_**I didn't want him to have her. I wanted to keep her.**_

_**'Leave him.' **_

_**I kissed her barely. She moaned against my lips, her forehead creasing in pain. 'No . . . stop it . . . '**_

_**'Come on. Stay here, with me. Come on Suze . . . ' I kissed her that little bit harder, 'Stay with - '**_

_**'Okay . . . '**_

_**'Okay?'**_

_**'Mmm.'**_

_**I smirked, kissing her forehead tenderly. 'Good, then.'**_

_**Mere minutes later, I must have fallen asleep, holding her carefully in my arms.**_

His voice finally quietened, apparently he believed whatever it was that I had said. And I was able to slip into the little piece of dream that I was having earlier . . . full of warmth and . . . and . . .

Succumbing to the comfortable state of sleep, I scarcely breathed the last word that came into my mind . . .

' . . . _Jesse_.'


	8. Rage

'**Scuse the delay, peoples. Lolly and Aina, reporting for adulterated duty.**

**And now…another chapter of the ever-delightful Tozzie!**

**- 8 -**

_The plot thickens,_

_Her pulse quickens,_

_Young Susie's in a mess_

_Desperate despair,_

_Torrid affair,_

_Can't you just confess?_

**- Lolly's crap.**

- 8 -

I woke up in the dark, temporarily confused about my bearings. Then I shifted and felt warmth beside me, and suddenly everything that happened last night jolted into my memory like an electric shock. I had been sleepy a few second earlier, but I was no longer sleepy now. Oh no. Especially when I realised who was actually in bed next to me.

Slowly, I turned to look over at him. Paul seemed to be in deep sleep, his breathing even and he was lying in a careless manner. Taking a much needed breath, I started to sit up, in slow motion. Seriously. It felt like it took forever for me to finally sit up and move the sheet away, but I did it.

Glancing back at him to make sure that he was still asleep, I shifted my weight from the bed bit by bit, until I managed to get off the bed. I paused there for a while when Paul shifted, feeling like my heart would bomb, but then he settled and I breathed again.

I wasn't going to stick around when he wakes. By that time, I'll be gone. And this time, it's for real.

Looking around the room, I saw that my suitcase was still packed, and I went over to pick an outfit at random. My watch displayed that it was around 6 in the morning, and I figured I could have a quick shower before leaving. I had a feeling that Paul would be too tired to notice that I was awake.

Clutching the clothes, I crept to the bathroom as quickly as possible and shut the door to stop the light from spilling out into the bedroom. Dumping my clothes on the counter, I took a deep breath and let it out. Hurry up, Suze, no time for self-contemplation right now.

I had wanted to take a short shower, but the hot water felt so good on my dirty skin. And I meant that in so many ways...I was dirty. I reeked of adultery. It was all I could do to stop from sobbing in the shower, but I held on. Guilt and shame has their time for later.

_**Hmm . . . **_

_**I was jolted out of my sleepy reverie by the sound of a constant noise suddenly beginning. I did not bother to open my eyes yet, I was still half asleep. My face itched, and I rubbed at my nose tiredly. **_

_**Fuck. Where was I again? I hope I didn't get wasted, and fall head over heals in bed with the first skank I saw again. That happened too often for comfort. **_

_**I jerkily moved my arm, patting the mattress beside me. No girl there. Okay, that was weird . . . why would I sleep in someone else's bed on my own?**_

_**Hang on . . . ah. Suze. Of course. How could one forget about THAT one?**_

**_A lazy smirk drenched my face, and I turned my head, running my hands through my hair in what I hoped was a it-was-good-for-me...was-it-good-for-you? way._**

_**Although, I was disappointed if I expected to see her in bed with me . . . or anywhere in the room. She wasn't. Shit. Had she - ?**_

_**Oh. Shower. Don't panic, Slater . . . she didn't get away. **_

_**Yet.**_

_**Bit rude of her, though. Jumping in the shower, all alone. Could have been a little morning fun for the recently depressed lawyer who lost his big case.**_

_**Frowning at this thought, I stretched out in her bed. I loved how it all smelled of her. So sweet . . . A decadent scent that infiltrated my mind, working its wicked magics on me. How could a man truly refuse himself a woman, when she smelled like that?**_

_**He couldn't. I couldn't. I just did what we both wanted. Dropped the pretences, and succumbed to primal urge.**_

**_Yeah. I really wanted to be suc-cumming in the shower, right now. Jesus, she just COULDN'T have woken me up, could she._**

I finished my shower finally, and hurriedly dried myself with the hotel towel before getting dressed. Hmm. Not bad for an outfit that I picked in the dark. No time for makeup though, so I scooped all my toiletries into the makeup bag and with a last look at the mirror, I opened the bathroom door quietly.

_**I was just doing up my pants when I heard the door crack open. I slid back in bed noiselessly. I needed to know. Closing my eyes just enough to watch from under my lashes, I waited for her to make her way towards me . . . wake me up, tell me she had to go to work, make excuses until the end of time.**_

_**Either that, or skip all pleasantries or otherwise, and try to hightail it. **_

_**The former was my hope; the latter was my expectation.**_

_**The latter was also correct.**_

**_I saw her glare at me shakily with a very suspicious look in her eyes. She guiltily broke eye contact, and tiptoed towards her bag. With a slight groan, she picked it up and started carrying it towards the door, trying not to look at me._**

_**Just as her hand touched the knob, my eyes cracked open.**_

_**'Going somewhere?'**_

I SWEAR my heart dropped, just like the bag I was carrying thudding to the floor. Shit! He should be sleeping! God, that scared me.

Now should I reply? Or should I just continue to walk away?

I picked up the bag again, and without looking at him, I decided to just continue walking. I had no time to talk, argue, be manipulated, etcetera. I was leaving, and that was that.

**_A snap of rage scratched at me fleetingly. It was the first of a series that would inevitably follow. I sat up a little more suddenly than I should have with the goal to remain composed. But I was pissed off._**

**_She determinedly tried to leave, but the moment the door opened, I slammed it right back with telekinesis._**

_**'I can do that all day,' I promised her angrily.**_

Oh God, this was not happening. I took a few deep breaths, and then turned around. Paul was sitting up on the bed, looking pissed. Looking at him suddenly made me feel pissed off too.

'Open the door, Paul. You don't own me. So you don't have a say to where I get to go or where I have to stay,' I said, letting the anger fill my voice.

_**It made me laugh. I wasn't quite sure why, but I found humour in her words. Perhaps it was because that was the most sincere I'd heard her sound for years, now. The conviction was striking.**_

_**I wasn't impressed, however, that she suddenly had in her head that it was time to leave. Well . . . okay, not suddenly. She assured me every day that she'd be gone by tomorrow. But tomorrow would come and go, and so would she. And she'd be back the next day . . . and the next.**_

_**'I don't own you,' I said in a low, soft voice of mockery. 'Oh yes, I remember. Jesse does. Hope he doesn't mind that I borrowed his things without his permission. I love playing with Jesse's possessions.'**_

I didn't know whether to burst into useless tears, or to scream at him. Instead, I turned to the door and opened it. The handle slipped from my grasp and the door slammed in my face again.

'Whatever games you're playing, it ends now,' I said, not even sure if he heard me. But apparently he did, because he laughed that mocking laugh again.

'Games, Suze? Who said we were playing games?'

_**Her hair was damp in some places, fluffed out around her shoulders, framing her expression of shock and fear to perfection. I loved that look on her. I almost wanted to photograph her face looking like that, so I could keep it. I wanted to keep something of hers. Something tangible. Not just memories.**_

_**I wanted to keep her. I didn't understand why I couldn't. Jesse was the only thing between us. Why couldn't he just . . . leave?**_

_**Then I could have her. And the games would be over, forever.**_

'No? Isn't this a game to you, Paul? Trying to get a married woman in bed with you? Well, guess what? You've won, and now the game is finished. I'm leaving today, and you can't stop me. Okay?'

I had to be focused, not to notice his rumpled hair, or his strong bare shoulders. It was annoying, my stupid mind couldn't even be focused on being MAD at him without thinking inappropriate thoughts.

_**I just smiled. I still didn't believe her. I should have . . . if I had, then I would have handled things a lot differently.**_

_**'I can't stop you?' I asked, moving just a little so the muscles in my torso tensed slightly. It had quite an affect on her; so much so, she tried the door again, but I slammed it shut. 'You know how to goad a guy, Suze. Of course I can stop you. I'm a lot more powerful than your willpower will ever be.'**_

Damn him and his over-confidence crap. And yet, my fear of him was lessening in each passing moment.

'Fine. You're strong. But you know, just like I do, that your time with me is over. How long do you think I want to stay here? I don't belong here. I don't belong with you,' I said coldly, hoping my words will hurt him, just like his did to me.

_**I blinked, trying to think of a reply. Instead, immaturity spilled from my mouth.**_

_**'What's that supposed to mean?' I demanded icily, emerging from beneath the covers and planting my feet on the ground. I stood by the bed, regarding her with a glare.**_

I let out a laugh, suddenly thinking how funny it was that he had to ASK me what I meant. 'You know what it's supposed to mean. Just exactly like I said. Do you want me to repeat it for you? Because I will.'

It was exciting, this sense of confidence that I was slowly gaining. I felt sure of myself, like I haven't been in a long time.

My laughter didn't seem to please him as much as it pleased me. In fact, Paul was looking far from pleased now. His posture was stiff, like he was trying very hard not to walk over to me and...I don't know. I don't want to think about what he could do.

_**I didn't give her the satisfaction of repeating herself. I could see fire building in her eyes. It was something I'd missed. That fortified defiance. It ridiculed me, and everything I'd tried so hard to do these past few days.**_

**_What infuriated me the most though, was that it had all been for her! _**

_**All of it. I'd done everything I possibly COULD to give her what she'd wanted. I'd bent over backwards for her, to show her the time of her life. She'd never had it that good, I knew that much. **_

_**And she had the fucking nerve to stand there, and throw it all back in my face. She was SO prepared to forget what I'd done for her. She was going to toss it all away for a plastic life with her stupid resurrected dead boyfriend. **_

_**How could she DO that?**_

'Nothing to say, Paul? Or have you always known that whatever happens, I'm better than you? That's why you wanted to be with me, to be with someone that you know is a better person than you could ever be.'

_**My jaw set when her words penetrated me. She just - how dare she act as if she were superior?**_

_**To ME?**_

_**'You bitch,' I sneered at her. Within half a moment, I had her pressed against the door with more force than necessary. I was hurting her. I wanted to. 'You want to see better?'**_

_**I seized her lips with my own, violating her mouth mercilessly. She screwed up her face in defense, and twisted away, but I slammed myself against her, bashing the space right beside her head with a strangled shout of, 'No!'**_

_**Startled and furious, she started really fighting.**_

That was when anger really overtook my fear, and the voice that had been shouting 'enough' inside of me, took a physical form.

Feeling my heart pounding, I moved my head away from him, letting some space between us, before bringing it forward with all the force I could muster. It took Paul by surprise, and he stumbled backward. But the awful cracking sound of two heads banging against each other only served to fuel my anger.

What the hell are you so scared about, Suze? You can hurt him too. You can hurt him just as bad as he had hurt you.

_**Fury twisted across my face. What the FUCK was that for!**_

_**I touched my forehead instinctively, to see if it was bleeding. It wasn't. **_

I didn't give him chance to straighten himself before I landed a punch on his nose. I didn't hear a crack, pity, but he did shout something unpleasant.

Curse all you want, Paul. I'm just getting started.

_**Oh, NOW she was fighting back? Well, I could play this game very well.**_

_**I tossed my head back to face her. She didn't break it, but it stung like hell. 'You really don't want to pick a fight with me, Suze,' I warned her, shoving her hard against the wall. I heard the loud thump of her head as it collided with what was behind it. 'It gets scary.'**_

_**A defiant look struck her face. She didn't care.**_

He was talking, but I didn't hear a thing. My ears were ringing, and my head was throbbing. I was reveling in the pleasure from causing him some pain, mistaken in my beliefs that if I could hit him enough, it would lessen the guilt and the torment inside of me. Some part of me knew that none of it was true, but it still feels good to react.

He stared at me, his blue eyes as cold as ice. It didn't matter. I lifted my leg and aimed at his stomach, but he pushed it away. Against my better judgement, instead of positioning myself better and fight him from a distance, I lunged at him.

_**'Don't make me hurt you,' I snarled at her.**_

_**. . . Who was I kidding? I WANTED to hurt her. That's where our fire came from:**_

_**Pain.**_

**_That's why we were drawn to each other. Pain. The pain of being lonely. Of being what we were, so different from everyone else. So much more powerful than the rest. Suze would never admit it to anyone, let alone herself, but deep in the shadows of her soul, she knew she was better than Jesse. She knew that she wanted - no, _needed,_ more than him._**

'Well, it's a little too late for that, Paul,' I spat, shoving him away from me as hard as I could. He still didn't look as if he wanted to fight me back, and it pissed me off.

'Come on. Why aren't you fighting back? Come on!' I shouted at him, feeling as if my chest would burst.

_**She can't say I didn't warn her.**_

_**'Fine,' I said spitefully. While she was busy glaring daggers at me, I seized one of her shoulders and faced her away from me, before sandwiching her against the wall. She tried to push away from it, but I was proving a point, therefore, not letting her get the better of me this time.**_

_**My hand slithered up her shirt, grasping her breast. She made a noise, but I think it was more out of anger than anything else, damn it. Oh well . . . I wasn't done.**_

_**Moving that hand as much as I could, to get any reaction out of her, my other stopped pinning her hand against the wall, and slid down to her waist. From there, it sunk into the back of her pants. **_

_**'Paul!' she yelled. Once again, though . . . that wasn't passion. **_

_**That was hatred.**_

_**What was WRONG with her today? This usually worked like a charm, on her. **_

_**'Why are you resisting?' I demanded breathily in her ear, angry. **_

And then he had the audacity to ask me why was I resisting. You wanna know why, PAUL? I'll tell you why.

I elbowed his stomach, which succeeded in making him let go of me. Then I turned around and pretty much hissed at him, 'Because my senses have finally caught up with me!'

He looked as if he was going to thrown in another sexual assault, so I threw a flat sidekick to his knee. He managed to move away at the last instant so it didn't connect as hard as it should, but he still swore painfully. Go Suze.

_**'I know more about your senses than you do,' I sneered. 'And I'm more in tune with him than your HUSBAND will ever be.'**_

_**Straightening up from the blow to my knee, I gave her a filthy look. She was panting. Like the fight was thrilling her more than the sex ever did.**_

_**I'm sorry, but that was insulting, to think that she enjoyed kicking my ass more than me being in hers.**_

When he said that about Jesse, it just drove me over the edge. I started throwing punches at him, not caring whether they connected with him or not. Don't think, just hit. And hit. And again.

_**'Struck a nerve, did I?' **_

_**My smile was electric; sick. She was crazy. Fists came flying at me. And damn, she had a mean right hook.**_

_**I caught it on the side of my face, and it knocked me back. I retaliated, grabbing her wrist and twisting it violently. She yelped, and stumbled, holding it her hand in what appeared to be considerable pain.**_

Shit, that HURT. I grabbed my wrist, feeling it throbbing in my hand.

I stopped moving for a moment, regaining my energy. He watched me, smiling this disgusting, twisted smile.

I kicked at him again.

_**My hand knocked her foot away before it could do any damage to anything I held dear. She went off balance for a moment, but recovered and threw a VERY heavy punch at my shoulder, striking true. I swore, and tried to grab her to keep her still, but she was too quick.**_

_**I'll give her that, at least.**_

_**Ducking from my snaking hands, she slammed her fist into my chin. My head flew back on impact, and a bout of pain blurred my vision for a second. I could taste traces of blood.**_

_**When I looked back down at her, there was no remorse on her face. Only hate, and the thrill of the fight.**_

_**I was not a man who hit women. But God . . . I was tempted then.**_

_**'You know your problem, Suze?' I glared, giving her a hard push backward, so she tripped and bashed against the door behind her. 'Anger. That's why you started this. You're angry at him. You're not his first priority, and YOU can't DEAL with that,' I shouted, kicking her legs from under her as she went to stand up. She winced, and landed on the ground again.**_

_**I took that opportunity to swoop down upon her, sitting on her stomach to keep her immobile. She tried smacking me one, amidst the twists and screams for release, but I jammed her hands by her head, glowered down into her eyes. 'You don't think he cares about you anymore,' I said. 'This is your way of getting back at him. You're angry.'**_

'Who died and made you Dr. Phil?' I snapped, unfazed by his psychobabble. He can analyze me as much as he wanted to, but it was useless.

Or so I told myself.

_**'Sex is a really good way to relieve tension, Suze,' I lowered my torso, my face hovering above hers. 'And if you're going back home today, well... looks like that healthy supply is going to dry right up, since he obviously isn't interested in it. At least, not with you.'**_

_**With a manic wave of rebellion, I asked her in a hiss, 'Is there any reason why he can't stand to touch you, Suze?'**_

I was momentarily speechless with fury, millions of comeback racing through my head but none hurtful enough for someone like him. A heartless bastard.

So I intelligently spat at his face.

_**Not the most witty of reactions I would have expected from her. One of the most disgusting, yes. **_

_**Smearing her saliva away, her wrist still in my hand, I smirked. 'I could ride you right here if I wanted to,' I said dauntingly. 'You know why?'**_

_**She looked at me poisonously. **_

_**'Because you want me to. I'm the only guy you've met who knows how to fuck, aren't I?'**_

Here we go again with the whole my-dick-is-be-all-and-end-all CRAP.

'You're so full of yourself, you're pathetic,' I sneered, shaking my head. 'I can't believe I had sex with you, much less so many times. I must have been inhaling some dirty New York air, because obviously I wasn't thinking.'

He looked a little taken aback, and I took advantage of that.

'You think that you're so GOOD, Paul? You think I came to you because you know how to fuck? Get over yourself!' I was on a roll, and it felt a relief to get it all off.

'You were available, and I was available, and it happened. Don't for one SECOND think that any of this would change my life or give me enlightenment. Because at the end of the day, whatever happens, you're not Jesse. He's still my husband.'

I spoke the next words slowly, to emphasise each one. 'So it's still a good day.'

_**My blood was too hot to bear. **_

_**. . . She was lying. **_

_**She had to be.**_

_**Because I KNEW that I was MORE than that to her. I was - **_

_**Fucking HELL, I was going to kill her.**_

His expression was unreadable now, just a blank stare, his arms on mine still as a statue. I finished off my rant crisply.

'Do you _hear_ me?' I shouted at his face, feeling like I was the one who had the power, despite being pinned to the ground. 'You don't mean anything to me! Just like you don't mean anything to everyone else in your freaking life!'

_**Rage.**_

_**I'd felt it before, stirring below the surface. It had inspired many brazen actions on my part.**_

_**But I'd felt nothing, compared to that tiny piece of hell I felt then, when she said it, and I knew she meant it.**_

_**. . . She didn't love me. She never could.**_

_**My lip curled. Pain was evanescent, but the rage was what lasted. After EVERYTHING I'd done for her, she had the NERVE to just come OUT with it like that?**_

_**'Like hell,' I snarled.**_

_**And I threw one of her hands away, seized her jaw and smashed my mouth on hers, demanding entry; demanding love.**_

_**I was hurting her. A lot. She wailed in pain, into my mouth. My teeth ground her tongue.**_

_**Just LOVE me, damn it!**_

Even as I felt the blood in my mouth, all I thought about was, typical Paul. Reacts to everything with his other brain. It wasn't going to work though, not anymore.

But as I felt his weight pressing me down, his mouth almost suffocating me, a little piece of fear crept inside my head. Doubt started to flit about too, telling me that maybe I had gone too far with what I had said.

I struggled to get him off, but he was relentless, almost possessed. Fear for myself started to mix with fear for how this might look to Jesse, all these bruises.

I had to do something. Anything.

With all the force and anger I could muster, I threw a punch at him. It hit the side of his face, hard.

_**I didn't think.**_

_**That's all I could say in my defense.**_

_**I just didn't think.**_

_**When I felt the explosion of pain at the side of my head, something so fast and so primal was triggered, and I retaliated harder and faster than she could have handled.**_

_**I punched her right back, REALLY letting her have it in that split second of being rage's bitch.**_

_**A single shriek was torn from her. It was a reaction that was so feminine, alerting me to the horrible truth that I'd just hit her.**_

_**Her shriek died as soon as it had erupted. Her head rolled to side, and her chest swelled in a sharp breath that I felt entirely. Her hands clawed with tension. Every muscle in her body had seized up.**_

_**She was in shock.**_

Did he just - Oh God, he DID.

He hit me.

No, he PUNCHED me right on my face.

Well, you got what you asked for, right, Suze? I can't believe I even, for a moment, thought that I deserved it. Because I didn't.

Didn't I?

_**My mouth fell open. 'Oh, Suze,' I began dreadfully. 'I'm . . . God, I'm SO sorry, I - ' I scrambled off of her, terrified of my self. The rage had passed, and horror rendered me sick to death of what I'd just done.**_

_**I tried to help her up, but she came out of her coma of stillness, and thrashed away from me.**_

_**I won't forget the look in her eyes, then: betrayal.**_

**_I'd betrayed her in the _worst_ possible way._**

_**Before, as a man, I'd conquered her as an object of lust.**_

_**But now, as a man . . . I'd preyed on her as a woman.**_

_**'Suze - ' my voice wasn't my own. Emotion had taken possession, riddling it with regret and horror. I couldn't bear to say her name. It felt like I'd just lost that right.**_

_**Her eyes . . .**_

I just stared at him, unable to say anything. Then I realised that my hand was still on my forehead, where he had punched me. It seared with pain.

But somehow, the pain was incomparable to the fact that he was the one who caused it. His eyes looked full of regret, but it wasn't enough.

It didn't even feel real, what just happened. I can't even explain -

I got up and walked into the bathroom, still holding my head. When I shut the door, I didn't slam it, but the sound had a finality to it.

After the storm.

_**The click of the door cracked my spell. **_

_**'Suze!' I yelled, banging on the door. 'I'm sorry! I didn't - you were just - ' Shit. What excuse could I make for THAT? 'Suze, please!'**_

I took a moment to take a deep, deep breath, leaning against the door.

Then he banged against the door from the other side, and I quickly moved away from it. Ignoring his shouts, I turned to face the bathroom mirror instead.

I didn't even realise that I was shaking until I lowered my hand from my face, trying to look at the damage that was done. My face was stinging, and there was a red mark on my forehead. With a sinking feeling, I knew that tomorrow it would bruise.

Tomorrow. By which time I'm supposed to already arrive in Carmel.

It was obvious there's nothing left worth salvaging for here.

How stupid were you, Suze, to get into this mess in the first place? Now look where it all ended up. You, still the one hurting. And how the hell are you gonna leave, with him outside the door, screaming like a madman?

But it was now or never.

Taking another deep breath, I opened the bathroom door and walked out straight to the main door, where my bag was.

I think I might have pushed him aside in the process. I couldn't really tell. He did stop shouting, though.

He didn't stop me.

And I didn't stop either.

I left that hotel, and never came back.


	9. Ache

**Warning : This is going to be painful, for PFCers and JFCers alike. For that, we apologise. Especially the Paul Fans. He does some seriously weird - **

**You know what? Read and find out, haha. **

**And please, review, even if you don't usually.**

**Love Lolly and Aina. **

* * *

It was evening when I stepped off the plane in Carmel. The temperature was hot and windy, but I felt cold. I was torn between relief and anxiety. Relief that I had successfully left New York without any mishaps. Anxious that I was coming home, and meeting Jesse. 

My body ached from sitting on the plane, but I knew it was more than just that. It was...everything that happened before I left. The fight, the emotional outburst...maybe even before that. My whole trip to New York had been anything but easy.

I was tired, in all kinds of ways. I had tried sleeping on the plane, but I couldn't. My mind kept wandering to what I've done, and I was lucky that no one was sitting besides me, because I had cried a few times. So much regret, I didn't think I could handle it.

Plus, there was that bruise. God, it looked so awful when I washed my face in the toilet. It was purplish and just plain ugly. Ugly like me.

As I collected my bag, I contemplated getting a new haircut. Maybe one with fringe, to cover the bruise. I mean, it would only take a while before my hair grows back, right? Fashion mistake is better than attempting to explain it to my husband.

It was strange that as I was thinking about Jesse, a vision of him appeared in front of me.

Wait...that's not a vision.

'Susannah!' Jesse's voice sliced through the noise of the crowd, clear and...happy. He grinned as he moved towards me, gently pushing aside everyone standing on his way.

I couldn't move. I - I knew I was going to see him, but not this soon. Not like this.

But it was too late. He swooped me in a hug, even lifting me up a little bit in that. My paralysed legs suddenly felt like jelly as I took in the feel of him, his scent, his strong arms, his breath on my shoulders.

'I missed you,' he whispered in my ears, still holding me.

Oh God. I was tearing up. I couldn't do this. He was so nice...and I wasn't worthy of it.

Quickly wiping my eyes and arranging my hair to cover the bruise, I pulled away from him. Forcing a smile on my face, I said as sincerely as I could, 'I missed you too.'

Jesse was smiling as he held my face, but I couldn't look at him. The guilt was killing me. I wondered if it showed. He leaned down and gave me a soft kiss, and I barely responded before pulling away again.

If he felt anything was off, he didn't say anything. Instead, he picked up my bag and we turned to walk out, his hand in mine.

'So..' I coughed, because my voice sounded so false. 'What are you doing here? I planned to take a cab home..'

'I'm on leave today. I had to pick you up, I couldn't let you come home all by yourself,' Jesse said, smiling. 'How was the flight?'

'You know...boring. Tiring. The usual,' I replied, making sure that I was smiling in return.

This all was feeling like work, and it wasn't fair. I just wish I could stop feeling so damn guilty. So not happening, Suze.

The trip back home was thankfully more normal in my part, because he asked about my work and that one I was able to answer pretty well. Although, when Jesse asked if I met anyone I knew there, I stuttered a bit as I said in negative.

I didn't think he noticed though.

But I did notice how strange it was for us to be sitting together in a car, driving to someplace. I couldn't even remember how long it has been since we've been anywhere together. And for him to actually take a leave from work? Unbelievable.

Everything was so different. It was like he was the one paying attention to us now, and I was the one who was busy with my own thoughts, my own little world.

I wondered what made him change. Maybe when I was gone, he realised how much he felt for me...

But of course, instead of feeling the same way, I didn't. Instead, I was off with another guy, all the time blaming Jesse for my own stupidity and behaviour. Jesse LOVES me. And I'd thrown it all away for a freaking fling.

God almighty, if there's one thing I can ask from you, just... don't let him know what I've done.

If I thought that it was going to be easier once we reached home, I was severely wrong.

The house was spotless, and I knew that Jesse had gone through the trouble to make sure everything was in order for my homecoming. When he asked if I was hungry, I found out that he had even cooked for me.

My chest felt tight, and it was just a horrible feeling, pretending that I was this loving, faithful wife that he thought I was.

I wished he would stop being so nice. He was making everything so HARD.

We sat down to dinner, and of course it was delicious. Jesse was a great cook, unlike me. Yet he never said I wasn't a good cook. He had never mentioned any flaw that I have. He just accepted me for who I was.

As terrible as it sounds, I had hoped that the food would taste bad, so that I could feel like he was on the same level as I was. That he could screw up too.

But it was futile, of course.

Unless I counted the times when he had put his work before me, choosing to be with some stranger in a hospital instead of in bed with me. That was a screw up, wasn't it?

Yet I knew that what I call his screw up was no such thing. He was saving lives, for God's sakes. He was earning money for us, for our future family. He wasn't off doing useless things. I just never admitted that.

Instead, I repaid his deeds by sleeping with the one guy he truly hated. Hah. Good going, Suze.

My appetite was missing, but I forced myself to eat. For his sake.

'I've been meaning to ask you,' Jesse suddenly said. 'Did anything happened when you were in New York? I received a voice mail from you...and you sounded quite upset.'

At first I didn't know what he was talking about. Then I remembered the call that I made to him when I was planning to come back home...and I cringed inwardly. I couldn't even remember what I said in that...but it must have been pretty awful.

'Oh no...it was nothing. Just - I was just having some problems with the client and I...' I took a breath. 'I really missed you.'

He looked concerned. 'I thought you said that everything went well with your client?'

Oh, shit. I did say that, in the car. 'Well, yeah, but that was after everything had gone wrong. It everntually ended up great.'

I was going to burn in hell not just for adultery, but for lying through my teeth.

'Alright then.' He smiled, and I felt as if my heart was being torn into pieces.

After dinner, I was thinking only about sleeping and waking up to a brand new day. The whole day has been torture for me. Even looking at Jesse was painful, because he had been nothing but nice since I arrived.

I had a shower, washing my hair and then blowdrying it. In the mirror, I looked terrible. I looked dead. I could see the shame on my face, stained so deeply that it screamed out my sins. And yet, Jesse had been totally oblivious to it.

But I'm sure he'd noticed…something. He just couldn't understand why I looked so sad.

Freshly blowdried hair didn't make much of a difference. My eyes still were hollow and spilling with guilt.

However, the moment I opened the door to the bedroom, which the bathroom adjoined, my mouth fell open in shock.

Tell me this wasn't real. Because the bedroom... didn't look like a bedroom anymore.

The lights were off, and the room was lighted only by the many candles placed around the room. The scent of the candles - lavender, if I wasn't mistaken - were just enough to make you want more. The curtains on the window were open, and the light from the candles were accompanied by the moonlight, making everything look romantic and mysterious at the same time.

And then there were the roses. Red rose petals, to be exact. All strewn all over the floor, and all over the bed. There must have been hundreds of them.

Oh my God. I couldn't breathe. My hand went to my mouth. I was…beyond shocked.

'_Querida_,' Jesse said from behind me, sliding hands around my waist. 'I was wondering when you were going to get out of that shower . . .'

He gently turned me around, and lifted my chin with his finger, moving his face toward me, his nose grazing my skin. My breath was caught in my chest.

But it wasn't arousal I was feeling.

No. It was panic.

'Jesse - ' I began, but he cut me off with a slow, sweet kiss that graced me lips with such longing and such love. I tried to return it. I really tried. But I was guilt's prisoner, and it wouldn't allow me the freedom to kiss my own husband.

So I turned my head. But his mouth tantalised my neck softly instead, until I pulled away completely.

This only served to confuse him. 'Susannah?' he asked worriedly. 'Is something wrong?'

My hands were shaking slightly. I brought them down on my sides, avoiding his gaze as if my life depended on it. 'What? No - no, nothing's...I mean, it's not - Jesse, this is amazing, it really -'

My eyes flickered back up to his. He was staring at me, looking concerned and a little hurt. '...But?'

I touched my hair nervously. It was killing me, saying no to him and to all this… but I had to. I didn't deserve what he was giving me. I wasn't worthy of his effort, let alone his love.

'I'm just tired,' I sighed, shrugging helplessly. 'I'm really dead beat. This - it's beautiful. But...not tonight.'

He didn't move. His voice had lost that silky pur he'd put on for me before - the one I hear only when he's trying to seduce me. Or to get me to do what he wants. Now, he just looked dismayed. 'Susannah...have I done anything to - '

'No!' I cried, horrified at laying the blame on him. Not when I so deserved it. 'No, of course not! I'm really, I'm just completely worn-out.'

His head dropped, and he ran his hands through his hair. 'Oh course,' he muttered, as if more to himself than me. 'Of course you're tired...I was stupid to think - I'm sorry, _querida_. This was stupid...'

I wanted to reassure him that it was not. But the pain was too great. How I'd prayed for this before New York...

Now? Now, it just cut me like knives, sharpened by my sins.

But I had to say something. I couldn't let him be like this.

'No, Jesse, it's not stupid. At all. It's wonderful. Everything is...' I had to swallow to keep my tears away. I felt like I was swallowing bile, but I deserved it.

Jesse looked back at me in that unreadable expression of his, and without saying anything, he lifted his hand and brushed away the hair from my face. Immediately, his expression turned to shock.

'Susannah! What happened to your -' He pulled me closer, tracing my forehead cautiously. I flinched from the pain, and realised that he had found the bruise.

Oh no. OH NO.

'This looks awful. How did it happen?'

Unless I wanted to tell him 'It was Paul, who I know you hate, but I had slept with, he was the one who punched me' which was the truth, I had to make up something. Quick.

"Er..I - it was a ghost,' I said hurriedly, trying to brush off his concern. 'I got into a fight with a ghost, and angry one, of course, I always meet with the angry ones, and it didn't go so well obviously, he - he hit me and that's how I got it. The bruise. It's not so bad -'

'Slow down,' Jesse stopped my ramblings. 'A ghost hit you?'

Please believe me. Please, please believe me.

'Yeah. And it's not as bad as it looks, trust me. I had put some, um, lotion on it. It's fine,' I rambled on again. I couldn't help it. I was so nervous I could crack.

Jesse stared at the bruise for a long time. I could feel my heart pounding, and my mouth felt dry. I had to say something, the tension was unbearable.

'Jesse..' I started, then my mind went blank. 'You can look at it tomorrow morning, okay? Now, can we just...go to bed? I really need to sleep.'

I had put in the last sentence because I didn't want him to think that going to bed meant doing it. Because if anything, this served only to pile on my already towering guilt.

I felt so, SO horribly bad for him, but I just couldn't.

He seemed reluctant to let go of the subject, but he must have seen how tired I was so he relented.

'First thing tomorrow morning, I'm taking a look at that properly. I don't want it to get worse,' he said in this doctor-ly tone. I let out a breath, relieved to get away from the topic. I could handle tomorrow morning. I know I can.

So I turned from him and his heartbreaking gaze, and went to my side of the bed. I felt Jesse watching me from behind, but I pretended that I didn't notice. Instead, I pushed the rose petals from the bed and pulled the quilt. Then I got in under the sheets and closed my eyes.

I could hear Jesse moving around the room, probably lighting off the candles. After a few minutes, I felt him get into bed beside me.

I was lying down facing my side, and didn't turn to look at him. But then I suddenly felt him kissing my neck gently, and his hand was on my hip. I could feel the heat from his body on my back, and I wanted to just relax against him.

I wanted to, I really did.

But my dear friend, also known as the guilt, wouldn't let me. As he kissed my shoulders, my whole body felt tense. I couldn't even respond the right way, the way I should.

Then I feel him trying to ease me back so that I was facing him, and all of a sudden, I blew up.

'Would you stop it?' I snapped in this thin voice that didn't even sound like mine. 'I _told_ you I was tired, and I just want to sleep, can't you understand that?'

I turned around and pushed him away, not so hard, but hard enough to justify the look on Jesse's face. He was bewildered by my behaviour, couldn't possibly understand that I exploded not because he was trying to kiss me.

No, it was what I've been keeping inside, all these time trying to get him to romance me, to show me how much he loved me and yet he never did. It was always work and work and work.

And now that I've made a mistake, I'm a freaking mess; he's doing everything that I ever wanted. It wasn't FAIR.

'_Querida_, I'm - I'm sorry,' Jesse looked so dejected that I had to turn away. My God. Not only had I hurt myself, now I was hurting him too. 'I just missed you. I'm sorry. I should have listened.'

I turned to face the wall again, and my face crumpled up. I didn't want to cry, but even as I was thinking that, a tear slid down my face. I discretely brushed it away, but another one slid down just as fast.

'Is something wrong, Susannah?' His voice was so soft, like he was afraid that I might blow up again.

I couldn't answer him. Because a lot of things were wrong, and none of them were things that I could tell him. So I just kept quiet and pretended to sleep.

He didn't say anything, and I could feel him move away from me. I felt like scum. Especially when I realised that even though he thought he didn't, Jesse actually listened. And when I asked him to leave me alone, he did.

Unlike a certain other person, someone not worth thinking about.

I'm sorry, Jesse. You deserved better.

_**I was a wreck without her.**_

_**I know that sounds stupid, not to mention fucking lame. I know - what kind of pussy was I? That "she completes me" bullshit used to sound like completely crap to me.**_

_**But now I understood it. I couldn't think - I could barely breathe. All I could do, was drink. **_

_**I knew all alone, that it'd end this way. She'd have to leave. She hadn't been mine to begin with.**_

_**She had no reason to stay . . . she had a life back in Carmel, with her limp dick of a husband. Yet, the illogic that had steadily been growing inside my cranium, had taken me over. Despite everything that was, I wanted her to stay, and be mine. **_

_**If I thought I was a complete mess when she was here, it was nothing - NOTHING, to the state I was in now. I was - shit, I was crazy without her here.**_

_**Without the prospect of seeing her, seducing her, forcing her, loving her. I couldn't do any of it anymore. It was truly over. Over before it had really begun.**_

_**. . . SEE? See what she DID to me? I was fucking whipped. I was moping about a stupid chick. Albeit, one who fucked like heaven, but still, just a woman. One who shouldn't have meant anything to me to begin with.**_

_**My hands were shaking very badly. My hands never shook like that. Whenever they weren't holding something, they just . . . trembled. **_

_**Was it fear?**_

_**Fear of suddenly . . . not having her there?**_

_**Shit. Please don't let that be it. I'd lived without her for eight freaking years, and I could do it again. And the sex? I could get that from anyone. I didn't need HER for that. **_

_**As that thought crossed my mind, I found myself burning for it. Sex, I mean. It was as I was trying to convince myself that I didn't care about her. That ANY woman could have the same affect on me. That she really was irrelevant; totally and utterly replaceable in my bed. **_

_**I got out of my couch, steadying myself as I swayed rather sharply. The alcohol was taking its numbing toll.**_

_**I'm a guy who can hold his liquor.**_

_**. . . But not when I've had that much, I guess.**_

_**With blurred vision, I guided myself carefully towards my laptop, sitting in front of it. I felt like I was falling forward fast, with no safety net to break my fall. Blinking quickly, my gaze focused in on the screen in front of me. I finally found the Google homepage, and typed in what I was after.**_

_**I spelt the word "escort" wrong three times before I finally got it.**_

_**Clicking on a site that had been clicked many times before, I scrolled down blearily, and found the number I wanted. Grabbing my cell phone, I rang up, and made me order.**_

_**"Pennie" would be over in fifteen minutes.**_

_**I'd show her . . . I'd show her that she wasn't the only one that could make me crazy . . . she was kidding herself if she thought she had that power over me. I could live without her. I could be perfectly happy without her. She - she was nothing. A whore.**_

_**I was just moving on from one whore to the next.**_

_**I sat in my couch, trying to get my fucking hands to stop shaking. I grabbed the armrests, sinking my fingers seep into the leather, and grinding my teeth. I glared ahead at nothing, trying desperately to focus. I couldn't see - things moved. Shapes, black . . . colours, black . . . **_

_**Then, the bell rang.**_

_**'Finally,' I stood up quickly, tripping on a cushion and stumbling. I bashed my knee against the coffee table, and a splew of incensed four letter words poured out of my mouth. Making it to the front door, I took a deep breath. **_

_**I could do this. I was doing this for me. Not for her. Not to prove anything. This was all for me. **_

_**. . . Yeah. Right.**_

_**The bell rang again, and I realised I'd zoned out whilst pumping myself up. Fuck. I yanked the door open, and there stood a gorgeous woman, dressed in a long black coat.**_

_**She had brown hair. Good. Just what I'd asked for.**_

_**'Hi,' her voice was a mere pur. She entered, running a hand down my chest. 'I'm Pennie.'**_

_**'I know,' I growled. She smiled. **_

_**I didn't like her eyes. They weren't green. They were brown, and shallow. Maybe - maybe I should have requested green eyes too. No . . . that was - no way. SHE had green eyes. What was I trying to prove?**_

_**'So,' Pennie's other hand joined her first, as she traced up and down my shirt. My breath quickened. 'What do you want me to do, Mr Slater?'**_

_**A slow grin spread across my face. 'Well frankly, I want you to fuck me,' I replied.**_

_**Her smile faltered, but was quickly plastered back, full-watted. 'That's what I hoped you'd say . . . ' she said breathily, pressing herself against me. **_

_**I stared down at her. Her hair wasn't as shiny. It was too light. And it was too wavy. But - it didn't matter. None of that mattered. **_

_**'Come on,' I offered my hand, 'My room's just this way - '**_

_**Her confident smile looked so . . . wrong. Why did she have to look that arrogant? It just - it didn't fit. It was out of place, and it was NOTHING how Suze's smile used to look.**_

_**She followed, casting a hesitant eye on the empty bottles of Jack Daniels on the floor. What? That was new to her? Of COURSE her guys got a little 'courage' before calling up a hooker.**_

_**Once in my room, I slammed the door shut, and shoved her up against the wall, kissing her hard. She recipricated accordingly for a few minutes, but turned her head suddenly. **_

_**'Whoa, down boy,' she laughed. 'Easy, now . . . '**_

_**I didn't want easy. I wanted hard. Didn't she appreciate that?**_

_**The alcohol still had its iron hold on me. My grip - which had been kind of tight on her arms - relaxed. 'Sorry,' I said sheepishly. 'I'm just - my girl just left me.'**_

_**She stroked my face sympathetically. 'I'm sorry,' she cooed. 'Well . . . I'm going to make you forget she ever existed, Mr Slater. Count on that.'**_

_**As I was doubting anyone could ever make that happen, she pushed my back with feminine force, onto my bed, before crawling over me, kissing my face. Her hands undid my shirt expertly, remindind me of what kind of a woman she actually was.**_

_**My hands latched onto her hips forcefully, and I groaned as she kissed me.**_

_**Amidst all of this though, it still was doing absolutely nothing for me. I mean . . . Pennie was a slut. There was no doubt about that. She was easy. This whole situation was easy. **_

_**I hated it being easy. There was no thrill - no chase. No excitement.**_

_**She had my belt undone by the time I remembered what was happening again. Her hand delved over my underwear, and I let out a long, fat moan.**_

_**It felt good. I knew that.**_

_**. . . But it still meant nothing. **_

_**'You're nothing like her,' I failed to keep an element of coldness from my voice.**_

_**Once again, her smile disappeared momentarily. Then, making its infuriating return, she replied, 'I know . . . I'm bettered.'**_

_**She slid my pants off.**_

_**'You're really not,' I said.**_

_**Trying not to sound affronted, she just laughed. 'Mr Slater, don't make up your mind yet . . . I'll take you to places she doesn't even know exists.'**_

_**Getting bored, I shoved my boxers off. I wanted to get this over with. Prove that - **_

_**No, I wasn't PROVING anything. **_

_**. . . Right?**_

_**Pennie's smile widened, as she came to sit over me, pulling something colourful out of her bust.**_

_**'What's your favourite colour, Mr Slater?' she asked slickly. **_

_**I rolled my eyes. 'Sorry, but I really don't care.'**_

_**Looking put off once AGAIN, she just blinked. 'Uh - black okay? I mean - yeah . . . ' She plucked the middle one, and shoved the other three back inside her bra, tearing the little packet open. I waited impatiently whilst she put it on.**_

_**Five minutes later, she was straddling me, grinding quickly and heavily. She was good. She knew her stuff.**_

_**But she didn't have a clue of how I liked it.**_

_**After another thirty seconds of dominatrix bullshit, I sighed, annoyed. 'Can we do it my way now?'**_

_**'Oh,' she said doubtfully. 'Sure. I mean - ha, you're paying me, so yeah. Go for it.'**_

_**I rolled my eyes. 'Finally . . . '**_

_**With that, I rolled the both of us over. She gasped - the FIRST noise from her I actually liked. The shock was painfully and wonderfully familiar. I dragged her further onto the bed, so her legs weren't dangling over the edge. Then, I started plowing into her.**_

_**She cried out in alarm, trying to disguise it as a laugh. 'Mr Slater - haha, this is - '**_

_**'Shut up,' I spat. **_

_**Fear flickered over her face, something I relished dearly. Her hands came to my arms, which she held tightly. She attempted to hide all discomfort from her expression, but as I went harder, desperate for it to resurface, she screwed her face up.**_

_**'Stop it,' she finally plucked up the courage to say it.**_

_**. . . And FINALLY, she was acting like she was supposed to be.**_

_**Whenever SHE told me to stop, I always knew that she wanted more. My face was alive with thrill. 'Come on,' I said down at her, you know you don't mean it. **_

_**I thrusted angrily, and she screamed. 'I said STOP! You're hurting me - '**_

_**I don't know why I was taking it out on her. She didn't have anything to do with this. She was just someone that was supposed to be making me feel less lonely.**_

_**But Jesus Christ. It was as if she'd never had a determined customer before.**_

**_'Now, Pennie,' I chided, as she started whacking my arm, 'This is your _job_, isn't it? This is what I'm paying you for, right?'_**

_**'Yes, but - '**_

_**'Then what's the problem?' I snarled, kissing her with violence that only Suze deserved. She screamed into my mouth. 'Mmmm! St - !'**_

_**I gritted my teeth, ignoring her.**_

_**'She wasn't a whore like you,' I said down at her, breathing hard. She yelped. She probably didn't care what I had to say. But I told her anyway. **_

_**'I didn't pay her. I only gave her what she needed. But then - you know what she did Pennie?'**_

_**'Get OFF of me! I'm fucking serious - !'**_

_**'She THREW it all back in my face!' I shouted, plummeting my pelvis down, wrenching a long, sharp shriek from her.**_

_**And suddenly, I was done. Panting heavily, I stopped. She was horrified. Rolling off of her, unconscious of what I'd actually done, I ran a hand through my hair. **_

_**I had been trying to prove something.**_

_**But it didn't work.**_

_**Despite my usual force-it-out-of-her routine, my lust had not been slaked. Not even close. **_

_**The moment she wasn't skewered against my bed, she scrambled away from me, falling off of the mattress in the process.**_

_**'You're a freakin' psycho,' she said bitterly, before getting out of there as fast as she could. **_

_**'Bye, Pennie,' I called boredly.**_

_**I heard the door slam, and it jolted me.**_

_**I twitched a little, not moving so my heart would get back to its normal rate.**_

_**I pulled the cover over me slowly, and groaned. Sex had sobered me up a bit, and it hurt. Rolling on my stomach, I buried the side of my face in the pillow.**_

_**Living like this would just not do. She'd only been gone for a day, and already I could stand it. Not even a day - twelve hours or something. I needed her. No one compared to her. No one made me feel the way I did when I was with her.**_

_**I couldn't stand the thought of not having her; all of her. I wanted her soul, I wanted her body. I wanted to own it, and pleasure it, and I wanted her to love me and what I did to her. I wanted her to scream for me, and cling to me desperately until the height of our passion had gone. I wanted to sweat with her, and I wanted to feel like I'd cease to exist if we were ever unconnected.**_

_**She didn't understand this. I knew she felt the same way - I knew it. She was a wreck without me too. She had to be. We were meant for each other. We were old souls; one and the same. She was me, and I was her. **_

_**I just wish she could have accepted this all. THEN she would have understood why I hit her. I loved her so freaking much. She blinded me, and the thought of her leaving just possessed me.**_

_**That was all. It was nothing . . . it wasn't like she'd bruise or anything. It wasn't a HARD smack or anything . . . just an accident. **_

_**She had to know that. **_

_**And then, my mind was made up.**_

_**She WOULD know it.**_

_**. . . And she'd know we were meant to be together. Just me and her.**_

_**No Jesse.**_


	10. Plunge

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**Sorry for the wait!  
Love Aina and Lolly .

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**

I couldn't sleep.

The digital clock on the bedside table glowed 2.30, and the house was silent, as it would be in the time before the dawn. I laid on my side, staring at the clock, my eyes feeling puffy from all the crying that I'd done. I hadn't turned to face Jesse since he had tried to kiss me and I -foolishly - rejected it.

But I couldn't. I couldn't pretend to be innocently kissing him when I was as guilty as hell.

I shifted my body slightly, so that I didn't wake Jesse from his sleep. I slowly turned my body around and faced him.

His profile was perfect in the moonlight, strong and striking. It was as perfect as the time when he and I talked in the middle of the night while he was still a ghost, haunting my bedroom while I strutted around like the badass mediator I thought I was. I didn't need anyone, I thought.

Until I met him.

Oh God. What have I done?

When Jesse was lying in the hospital bed, and I thought I had lost him, I wished that he'd make it, and that by some miracle, we could be together. I didn't even mind if he had stayed a ghost, as long as he was with me.

Now that the miracle had finally happened, I couldn't even honor it. I couldn't even be grateful, for all that he had given me and for all that I had given him. I traded our relationship, our marriage, for a fling with a guy who I knew was not someone I could trust.

But Suze never learned. Stupid. STUPID.

I stared at Jesse, his chest rising slowly with each breath he released, and I ached to touch him. I wanted so badly to touch his beautiful face, run my fingers through his hair, be warmed by his embrace. I wanted to be taken in his love.

I reached a hand out….and pulled it away.

Whatever he could give me, I didn't deserve any of it.

I sighed and closed my eyes, hoping to be lost in the sleep and hoping that in the morning, the guilt would no longer cause a sickening stain on myself.

_**I started pacing furiously around my apartment.**_

_**'All right,' I said to myself, my voice crackling dangerously. 'All I have to do is...go over there. Go over and bring her back - '**_

_**I stopped, and shook my head.**_

_**'No,' I groaned, pulling on my hair with shaking fingers. 'No, that's too easy . . . he still wouldn't know what she'd done - or he'd come to find her - '**_

_**I had to make it so he didn't WANT to find her!**_

_**'Tell him,' I planned, resuming my pacing heatedly. 'Then drag her back here, and . . . '**_

_**What then? She wouldn't want to stay.**_

_**I stopped again, and sucked in a sharp breath. What was I going to do with her? She'd run away any chance she got . . . just like she'd ALWAYS run away from our love. It scared her. But - that was only because she'd always had HIM to go back to, right? Without him to resort to in the end, she'd have no incentive to leave me . . .**_

_**Perfect.**_

_**I grinned, content with this.**_

_**But . . . **_

_**What if he still FORGAVE her? Even after he knew what she was? A stupid, unfaithful whore. What if he took her back still?**_

_**I gritted my teeth.**_

_**. . . Right.**_

_**He'd have to go.**_

_**Simple as that.**_

_**'Kill him,' I said to myself definitely. ' . . . But tell him first.'**_

**_Tell him everything we did together . . . the noises she made, the way she'd scream MY name, NOT his, when she came - how hard her thighs would squeeze around me as she let me thrust into her as forcefully as I wanted . . . _**

_**Don't miss a detail.**_

_**I wanted to see his face go pale with horror.**_

_**I wanted to see him in pain . . . **_

_**It was settled.**_

_**I grabbed my gun from my bedside drawer, and shifted to her.**_

- 8 -

I was in a hotel room.

I had the time to briefly wonder what I was doing there, before I felt someone's presence behind me. I turned, and saw him.

Paul.

He was smirking, and my heart started pounding. Everything happened in a blur – him pushing me onto the bed, his hands grabbing at my clothes while I protested uselessly, yelling at him to stop him from doing the inevitable, but he was relentless, and he was laughing and laughing…

My eyes flew open, and I gasped.

Just a dream, Suze. Just a dream.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, letting my pulse return to its normal speed. The room was as quiet and undisturbed as when I had fallen asleep, and I felt comforted by it. I was home, and I was safe.

The clock on the bedside showed the time as 3.46. I didn't hear anything except Jesse's soft breathing.

_**It took longer than I'd expected. She was a lot furtherer away, and it was harder to connect with her astrally. I was only thankful that I was already so connected to her . . . to her soul. It made the astral search so much easier. **_

_**And then, finally . . . I was with her again. I could breathe once more.**_

_**This insane joy was torn; brutally shattered, when I saw who was in bed with her.**_

_**Him . . .**_

_**I don't know why I expected anything else. He was the reason that I was coming here. I had to do what was necessary for us to be together. But just . . . seeing him with her, the way only I was meant to be - **_

_**I just about snapped and shot him squarely there.**_

**_- But I didn't. I had to do this according to my plan. He had to feel true pain before I killed him and fucked his widow however I pleased._**

I leaned back against the pillow and closed my eyes, certain that the nightmare would not return.

That's when I hear the faint, but unmistakable sound, of a materialization.

My first thought was that it was a ghost, searching for two mediators to help him or her, although the time for that visit was hardly anything to shout about. I pretended to sleep, hoping that the ghost will go away and come back some other time.

But I didn't hear anything, which was strange.

_**I just glared at her sleeping form. How could she look so beautiful when she slept? Why didn't her corrupted, dirty soul emerge across her guiltless features? Was that what I loved about her? Killing the glistening purity that she seemed to radiate? Was that what was so attractive? The thought of destroying her, and making her just as depraved as me?**_

_**Dragging her down so she wasn't superior . . .**_

Slowly, I opened my eyes again, glanced up and saw the most horrible image that I could think of.

That's when I realized that this was a nightmare to which there is no waking from.

_**Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. I saw the emerald gems flash with fear, and my heart skipped a beat. She sat up in her bed, wide-eyed. Absolutely terrified.**_

_**That he'd find out.**_

_**'You look like you've seen a ghost, Suze,' I remarked dryly; softly.**_

_**She stammered something, and her hand twitched as if to rouse her husband awake but I suddenly lifted my hand, aiming my gun at him.**_

_**'No,' I advised.**_

Oh, SHIT.

Never in my life had I wished that I was hallucinating, but this was a moment that I wished I was hallucinating, and even more.

Paul was standing in my bedroom. With a freaking GUN.

The sanctuary that I felt in my house was all but shattered now.

'Look, can we just –' I stammered, eyeing the gun that was aimed at my still sleeping husband. 'Can we talk about this, Paul? I mean –'

He looked pissed off.

No, he looked MURDEROUS.

_**My laugh dead as quiet as it was humourless. 'You want to talk?'**_

**_I advanced on her. She clutched her covers over her chest which was scantily clad with silk, but I yanked them down furiously. 'Nothing I haven't seen before,' I spat at her._**

_**She looked alarmed by the force of my words.**_

To say I was scared was a terrible understatement. I was almost shaking, and my heart was racing like mad.

I flinched as he pulled the covers, his words sharp and bitter. Up close, he looked even worse than I thought, His eyes were bloodshot, and his appearance was scruffy - it was the opposite of the usual cool demeanour that Paul Slater had.

I didn't know how to react to his words.

God, I didn't know WHAT to do.

_**While she was distracted with her gut-wrenching fear, I took a moment to look my fill. My eyes raped her, scraping down her skin, her nightdress that ended shortly to reveal creamy thighs that were tightly pressed together. I swallowed, and my eyes glazed over in lust.**_

_**God . . . why was she so damned addictive?**_

_**'Paul,' she whispered in a voice that was throttled with fright. My gaze snapped back up to her face, and my nostrils flared. She wasn't looking at me, but the gun in my hand, the one that was so keen to kill the man sleeping obliviously beside her.**_

_**What was I going to do? Damn it, WHY didn't I PLAN this properly?**_

_**I was supposed to kill him. Wake him up, reveal everything, and kill him.**_

_**. . . But all I wanted now, was her. To be driving into her with unhindered force. **_

_**Just like before.**_

_**I took a hesitant step forward, and she flinched again, her eyes still on the gun. I stopped, momentarily ashamed of myself for scaring her - but then remembering that she was a lying bitch and she deserved it all, and worse.**_

**_And with that, I shoved her back against her bed, and straddled her, all the while aiming constantly at de Silva's unsuspecting head._**

**_'Make a sound,' I hissed, 'And I shoot him.'_**

My eyes were blurry from hot tears. But if I had wanted some sort of compassion from him, I wasn't going to get any. That part was obvious.

What did you expect me to do? I kept quiet, of course. I wasn't going to take a chance, with that lethal gun pointed at Jesse's still sleeping form. But Paul's weight on me, the way his other hand was starting to roam against my skin...

It was sickening.

When he saw that I wasn't fighting, he leaned down and placed his face close to mine. His breath stank with alcohol, and I had to fight the urge to land a punch, or poke an eye. I swallowed a few times, out of my mind with fear.

"Paul..." I tried to speak, sounding strangled. "Can you please put the gun away?"

_**I grinned. 'No...I'm pretty sure I like the effect it has on you, actually.' This wasn't completely truthful - it was much more exhilirating when she was thrashing and screaming at me, but it gave me an ultimate power over her that I'd never had before. That was the addiction.**_

_**She pressed her eyelids closed hard, and tears slid down her cheeks before deviating and disappearing down the sides of her face. A breath rasped from my throat as I struggled to tame myself. No longer did her pathetic tears inspire guilt and self-hatred; no, now I was wiser. I knew it was her only defense - crying was the only way she knew to get me to stop. Screaming hadn't worked after all.**_

_**Now, those tears made every nerve ending ache and boil and roar for her. Another breath slid forcefully past my lips. I bent down a little, dragging my tongue against the skin below her eyes... her tears tasted like salty compliance...so warm. She recoiled in disgust. I sat up again, still tasting her misery in my mouth. **_

Okay, just let him do what he wanted...as long as his finger stayed away from the trigger...

But this idea was making me sick. The way he had licked me, like I was some object for his pleasure...I felt sick, SICK to the pits of my stomach. And worse, I still didn't know why he was here. To kill Jesse? To kill me? To kill us both?

Or to have yet another meaningless sex with me? In front of Jesse?

The thought was so horrifying that I had to shut my eyes, hoping that it wasn't true. But a hiss in my ear made me open my eyes again, "Look at me, Suze! Don't you always look at me when we fuck?"

Oh, God. Help me.

I stared at him, tears pooling in my eyes, and he smirked. "Good times, eh?"

I almost laughed at that, despite the insane situation I was in. Good times. That was what I wanted when I was in New York, and look where it got me. Being threatened by a crazy stalker-shifter who wants to put a bullet in my husband's skull. Another bedroom for him to die in.

Slapping away the morbid thoughts, I tried again. Anything to keep his focus away from Jesse.

"Why are you here, Paul?" I whispered, hoping to sound like I was concerned. I've always watched on TV, how the victims keep kidnappers and potential murderers talking, so that they'll forget about their intention in the first place. How I could still remember this now, was beyond me.

But did I qualify to be a victim?

_**I smiled cheerfully. 'For you, of course. Did you think that I'd just let you slip away like that?'**_

"Slip away?" I knew I should be careful, but I couldn't help it. "If I remember correctly, I left because you hit me. You HIT me."

The fear I felt was slowly mixed with anger, but I still kept my voice low. If I played my cards right, maybe he'll leave. Maybe I would wake up tomorrow and this will be just like a really bad nightmare.

And Jesse wouldn't have found out.

Because I would rather die being shot than having to face Jesse again if he ever found out about this.

_**My smile faltered - I narrowed my eyes at her. Why did she have to bring that up? That was an accident. I didn't mean to smack her like that, just - she was being so HURTFUL... saying I was nothing to her. What did a little bruise compare, to her homicidal words?**_

_**I rolled my eyes. 'Minor detail,' I said, dismissive.**_

Minor? I couldn't believe it. He hit me and he said it was just a minor detail. I bet he didn't give a damn whether I was hurt or not, as long as he got what he wanted.

Frustration started to build inside me, and I said again, this time with a much harder tone, 'What do you want, Paul? You know this...thing we had...it was over. So why are you here?'

Jesse suddenly shifted in his sleep, and my heart nearly popped out of my chest. He soon settled again, but my pulse was racing. I glanced over at Paul but he didn't seem to notice. Instead, he was staring at me with a strange expression on his face.

It was, I realised, denial.

_**I too turned to look at him, my eyes widening. He slept on...which was only expected, I guess. The guy ignored everything about his wife; why would he sense something was wrong now?**_

_**Turning back to Suze, I lowered so my nose was nuzzling against her neck. Her attempt to jerk away from me was weak - I could easily overpower her...**_

He didn't respond to my question. Figures. He couldn't respond, so he chose to make me respond to him instead. His proximity to me was suffocating, and even the touch of his flesh against mine made my skin burn. Not with desire, but with disgust.

I felt like screaming, hating this helpless feeling. Paul started to kiss my neck, and the more I pulled away, the harder he tried.

I wanted to escape, but at the same time I didn't want to wake Jesse. If I could wake him up, maybe he can take the gun from Paul while Paul was distracted...yet what would he say when he saw Paul here? What would he THINK?

_**I was drowning in her again...her scent, her being, her everything... I craved her with all of my senses, to hear her scream, feel her shudder, watch her cry, breathe in her sweat and taste her dying purity. **_

_**Her body was starting to shake as the fear began to take its gripping toll. My eyes pierced into her skin, singeing her face with my repressed lust. It was agonising how just...looking at her could make a fire start roaring inside me, demanding action without saying please. **_

_**And finally in answer to her question, I whispered hotly, hatefully, gently against her neck, 'Why am I here? I'm here, Suze, to kill him.' I chuckled at the sudden stiffness of her body. '...But not before killing him with words first...'**_

_**Suddenly, she started crying harder. 'No!' she hissed, 'NO! Paul, please...I'll do anything - just...don't tell him, please...please go, I can't - '**_

_**'But that's the best part of this,' I replied, my free hand releasing her arm and smoothing down her stomach till it reached her thigh. It then began retracing its path, sliding back up - this time, beneath her silk. She was sobbing freely now.**_

_**'And besides, Suze, I'm not an idiot. I know I could never keep you while you still had him. So I'm just making this easier for you. Without him, you can love me without the guilt...' I kissed her frozen lips tenderly. 'Without the pain...then we can be together, Suze. Then I can have all of you...'**_

_**Whenever I wanted...the first thing I'd do was throw away his wedding band on her finger...**_

_**I'd tear away his ownership, and she'd be mine.**_

_**...But hurting Jesse was necessary. She needed to see his hate. His disgust; his pain. **_

He was INSANE - that was the coherent, repeating thought in my head. I was shaking from the crying and the effort to keep quiet despite the crying, but his words were wounding me more than his actions could. It wasn't enough that he was threatening to kill my husband, he wanted him to feel the pain of knowing his wife had cheated on him.

Paul was a monster. No, he was worse because monsters had no idea that what they're doing hurts others, but with him, he was perfectly aware of it. And he was enjoying it to the fullest.

'I - You can't,' I sobbed pathetically.

'I can't what?' His touches, his kisses were drowning me, and I wished so badly...that I was dead. Then it would have saved pain from a lot of people. Me. Him. Jesse.

But it didn't mean I had to give in to him.

'You can't have me,' I said, wiping the tears from my cheeks roughly.

That was when his face changed. Denial disapperead. Now it was just hostility. Pure hostility.

What have I done?

_**My fingers against her stomach went claw-like...**_

_**'Yes I can,**_

_**' I spat. **_

_**I could...I could have anyone I wanted...but I wanted her...and I COULD have her. She was mine, and she loved me and she craved our sparks as much as I did...**_

_**'I CAN!' I suddenly roared, jamming the gun against de Silva's throat - **_

_**'NO!' she screamed, horrified.**_

_**...That's when things got messy.**_

The second I let out that scream, I knew all hell would break loose.

But it still didn't prepare me for the moment when Jesse woke up with a start, the confusion on his face turning into shock when he saw the gun pointed at him.

Not for the moment when he saw who was pointing the gun, and suddenly, inevitably, everything was out in the open.

My dirty soul was naked under his gaze, and the secret I fought so strongly to keep was now about to explode.

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**Please review.**

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